In no particular order:
* They don't actually make bathing suits for normal people. You have two choices: the bikini you maybe would have fit in 20 years ago, and the old-lady swimdress. I refuse to surrender to a skirted bathing suit.
* If you happen to find a bathing suit that is even somewhat appropriate, you'll never find one with underwire. Meaning if you have breasts at all, and you have to chase after your kids or your dog or whatever on the beach, you'll most likely give yourself a black eye. That's if those bad boys can even get up that high.
* The same issues that effect your bathing suit choices can also impact the availability of button-down shirts. Unless industrial-strength steel reinforced thread is used, there's no way those buttons are gonna hold.
* They actually sell "Minimizer Bras" (which Bart says are a crime in and of themselves.) Unfortunately, they don't help with the bathing suit/button-down shirt dilemma.
* Girls with a little - or a lot - of back (that means a big butt, as in "Oh. My. God, Becky. Look at her butt. It is so big.")should not wear patterned shorts. This includes the latest cute trend of plaid bermuda & madras shorts. It's just a horrible mistake.
* Girls with short legs cannot wear bermuda shorts. Even to Bermuda.
* Cost does not necessarily correct the bathing suit situation. You will likely look just as shitty in that $109 Land's End Suit as you do the $29.99 one at Marshall's.
* Invariably, when you actually have money to spend, you will not be able to find anything to buy. And when you are flat broke, the world is filled with cute stuff. On sale. Clearance.
* No matter how much you might wish, you cannot actually clothe yourself in purses.
* Sears - of all places - has cute purses. Take a left at the dishwashers, and go past the tools.
* It is possible to go into the dressing room with 15 or more items, and have not even one of them fit. At all.
* In 2009, apparently belts are back in. Someone should inform the fashion industry that I have not worn a belt in 8 years. Even some of the bathing suits had belts - as if I wasn't having trouble enough!
* "Tunic" is code word for "will make you look pregnant if you weigh more than 105 pounds."
* "BoHo" is code word for "tunic that will make you look pregnant if you weigh more than 105 pounds."
* If you are short but weigh more than 105 pounds, you are totally screwed. You weigh too much for "petite" clothes, and noraml clothes - such as polo shirts - fit you like a dress.
* New Orleans has it right. All Malls should be equipped with margarita and daquiri bars on each level. This may help with the bathing suit shopping.
* It's hard to find really cheap shoes these days. Who really wants to spend $30 on a pair of flip flops?
I should have bought a t-shirt that said something along the lines of "I went shopping for 4 hours, and all I got was this purse, 2 too-long polo shirts, and a pair of shorts."
I'm going to get a beer and read "Twilight" again. No one has to wear bathing suits in Forks.
2 comments:
Perchance, have you checked out an Old Navy? They have some pretty cute flats and I use those for jeans, shorts, what have you… picked up several fun styles (red plaid/polka dots/metallic) at under $10 a pop. Even if that’s not your thing, they always have a really good deal on flip flops. At 2/$5, I can afford to keep little ol’ moi in flip flops and hopefully Shadow the FlipFlop Killer won’t eat ’em all. Although, in all fairness, Reef does make a pretty damn comfy flip flop.
I scored a pair of Reefs - the really good, super-comfy ones, I forget the name of the style - for $15 at TJ Maxx last week. I giant puffy heart my Reefs.
On the bathing-suit front, in passing, I saw what appeared to be a rack full of not-short-short board shorts at Target. I have to go back and check them out before all the fat sizes are gone but they looked like they might have possibilities.
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