So it's 2:30 am on what is technically Easter Sunday. As on many nights, I can't sleep. In a futile effort to take my mind elsewhere, I peruse Facebook which turns out to be a mistake. Let me explain...
This is Day #26 of Safer-At-Home/Social Distancing for us. With the exception of a few trips to the store for supplies (80% made by Bart) and one Cannonball Run-type move-out blitz to Athens by Bart and Karlin, none of us have been anywhere. We have walked the dog, walked, or gone for runs, but none of us have been anywhere. This is the life in Coronavirus 2020.
Make no mistake - I am very grateful. My little family unit is here. We are safe and healthy. We have food on the table and a roof over our heads. We have internet and Netflix and a pool. Our immediate family members are all safe, too...our siblings, our parents, aunts, cousins, nephews. All healthy and safe.
Every day I wake up feeling lucky and blessed. And also GUILTY. Guilty as hell. Because I know that there are so many people out there NOT as fortunate as we are. There are people who DON'T have roofs over their heads and food on the table. There are people who DON'T have family members to check on them. There are neighbors who have lost parents in the past few weeks who can't have funeral services. There are people who have had to say their goodbyes on Facetime. There are kids who have had to bypass milestone birthday celebrations, and adults who have had to bypass milestone birthdays. There are High School and College Seniors that are missing those celebrations that mark the incredible accomplishments they have made. There are student athletes who took the field before Spring Break not ever knowing that that game would be THE LAST ONE THEY WOULD EVER PLAY. (Is that life-or-death? Absolutely not. But to an athlete that has spent the past 5, 6, 7...10 years playing their sport, it feels huge.) There are business owners hurting. People who can't pay their employees. Employees who can't pay their rent. Teachers trying desperately to provide adequate educational tools for their students in a totally uncharted environment, often while trying to teach their OWN kids at home too. Doctors and nurses being called back into service to put their own lives at risk. People having to wave at their parents through windows at nursing homes. Honestly, the list goes on and on and on and on and on.
Then on Facebook, there's an article that someone posts. Something about this being the "Great Pause" and about how we all need to readdress how we live our lives, and what we want for our kids, and how we treat our planet.
And I just lost my shit.
Because that's just GREAT. Let's add ONE MORE BRICK to the leaning tower of shitstorm that every single one of us is going through. I wake up most nights with nightmares, worrying about my kids. My business is in a full stop, with no serious hope for recovery any time soon. (The business I invested in and and busted my ass building for 9 years. That business.)
I DO care about the environment, and I DO care about my kids and my family and my life and the world as a whole and the people in it. But some days I am literally struggling just to get through, AND I HAVE IT PRETTY GOOD. The crushing weight of guilt and worry and stress is like quicksand every second of every day. Even if I have the time, I simply don't have the energy or emotional fortitude to do a full evaluation of what "means" the most to me and how I can "change" things for the better.
It's 2:48 am now, and my 16 year old son is watching TV because...he can't sleep either. I cut him a lot of slack because he processes the same way I do, and Lord only knows what he's feeling. The stress and fear and worry and regret are probably staggering to him, so if he wants to watch something mindless on Netflix and eat cheetos until 3 am I'm going to let that slide.
My days are more up-and-down than Space Mountain. One day I'm playing disco music and dancing around the kitchen. The next I am bawling because my potted plant died. It doesn't make sense, but then again NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE.
And don't even try to turn to "trusted news or political sources", because they just don't exist anymore. I truly believe everyone is in someone's pocket, and we only see what they want us to see.
I guess my point here is that we are not human Jenga games. You can't keep stacking up pieces (bills due, e-learning, reevaluate your life) and pulling out pieces (no paycheck, sad/stressed kids, worried about parents) without that tower eventually falling. I would love to have the luxury to be able to take a leisurely step back and totally re-vamp my world. But Truth? This "full stop" or "great pause" really isn't that at all. Each of those designations bring their own issues, stresses, and problems, some of which aren't readily apparent to everyone, and some of which we may not even see the impact of for awhile.
Stress. Guilt. Worry. Fatigue. Sleeplessness. Depression. These are real things that many (most) of us are experiencing every single day. Most of us can't save the world when we're just trying to get through the day.
