Parenting, and Mermaids With Garden Hoses

Ha! Betcha THAT title made you look, eh? But seriously - I AM writing a blog about Parenting and about, well, Mermaids with Garden Hoses.

Let's start off with the parenting. A story broke last week in Tampa about a 16 year-old girl who didn't wear panties to school on picture day. She ended up sitting in the front row, in a skirt, on the bleachers for a club picture. You can see where this is heading. That's right - her privates ended up on display in the yearbook. Apparently the yearbook staff didn't catch it. The yearbook publisher didn't catch it. No one noticed it until some of the yearbooks went home.

There are just sooooooooooooooo many things wrong with this. Pantyless-girl's Mom is - of course - mortified that her little girl's vajayjay is now recorded for posterity in 2000 yearbooks. (Won't THAT be a blast at the 20 year reunion?!?) Yes - the yearbook staff should have caught it. Yes - the publisher should have caught it. No - the school probably should not have distributed the yearbooks. (Word is that not all of them were out yet when all this exploded, but the school decided the damage was already done, and handed out the rest.)

The girl claims that she went commando "because she didn't want pantylines."

A) There are undergarments out there that handle pantylines. B) What on earth is she wearing TO SCHOOL that's so tight she has to even worry about pantylines? C) Why would she - knowing she had on no panties - SIT DOWN ON THE FRONT ROW OF THE BLEACHERS? A teacher friend of mine also told me that the High School in question has stairs that you can see through as you go up. The girl has been going to school there for 2 years - she KNOWS this.

So face it Mom: little Britney-to-be just ain't that innocent. That girl did that on purpose. Was it to get attention? Was it so she could have a quickie in the bathroom? Who knows. She maybe didn't realize all that would be visible in a yearbook pic, but come on.

This is where the parenting comes in. Mom is now blaming everyone - the school, the yearbook staff, the photographer, the publisher - everyone for the existence of the picture. The only person she doesn't seem to be blaming is THE GIRL WHO CHOSE NOT TO WEAR PANTIES TO SCHOOL. She has pulled her daughter out of school. She wants her little baby - who was so victimized - to be able to have a make-up date for her exams. The school said "No." Rumor has it that Mom is threatening to SUE THE SCHOOL for not letting little Miss Commando have a separate make-up date.

Where exactly is the personal responsibility in this picture? (ha - funny pun - didn't catch that until I was editing...)This is just a tiny example of what's wrong with society today. No one makes the person at fault take responsibility for their own actions. Bart and I had a lengthy discussion about this, and here's what we think we would do in this situation...

IF she survived coming home after not wearing panties (meaning if Bart didn't kill her), we'd definitely pull her from school for a few days. We would definitely try to get the yearbooks recalled. But you know what? We would make her go to school and face the embarrassment of what she did. She would take her exams at school, or get a ZERO and have to repeat the grade. But she would so be going back to school to finish the year. And you bet your sweet patootie (pun intended) that she'd lose her car, cell phone, DS, etc. for the entire summer. Or longer.

C-O-N-S-E-Q-U-E-N-C-E-S.

On a totally different note...I went to the World Famous Weeki Watchee Springs on Saturday to see the Mermaids. ("World Famous since 1947") When I got back, Bart asked "Hey - did you get to see Mermaids breathing out of garden hoses?" And I said "Yeah - actually we did!" I'm a big fan of campy little backroad Florida places. Sadly, there aren't many of them left. This one probably looks a lot like it did 40 years ago. It is every bit as cheesy as you'd expect. They have added a "water park" called Buccaneer Bay. It consists of exactly 4 waterslides, one of which was closed for renovations. If you ever lived up around Pensacola, you may remember "Styx River Water World". This was a lot like that, but not as fun. The spring was pretty, when you could get a glimpse of it through the swarm of humanity swimming in it. The little "lazy river" was fun (sit on tube, float 200 yards, haul tube out, walk back to beginning. Repeat.) The Mermaid show was pure 100% cheese. There were skinny little girls with big boobs dressed up like Mermaids and taking breaths through garden hoses. (Note: if you have a little girl and you take her here, warn her that at Weeki Watchee, Ariel is a blond, and Flounder is a turtle named Chester.)

It was fun, though. Always good to check something off the "I've-lived-in-Florida-all-but-4-years-of-my-entire-life-and-been-in-Tampa-for-almost-5-years-but-haven't-seen-it" list. We did Gasparilla this year - check. We visited the miniature railroad up in Pasco County - check. I saw Jimmy Buffett in concert - check. I went camping at Fort DeSoto park - check. Hopefully in about 4 weeks we'll add "seen a Shuttle Launch" to it.

Hard to top Mermaids with garden hoses, though. I wonder if they were wearing their panties???

Redemption & WTF?

OK. So last time I went on and on about how I am "the.worst.wife.ever." I have managed to redeem myself somewhat. Last week, I secured a babysitter and bought tickets to the opening show of "Star Trek" without Bart knowing. This - it should be noted - was really hard for me, as I am terrible at 1) lying, and 2) keeping secrets. I had his sister call claiming a broken-down car, and ask for his assistance. Then I met him where she was supposed to be. SURPRISE! He had no idea. He's a huge Star Trek fan, and he was almost literally smiling ear-to-ear the whole movie. So to my husband: "Happy Two-Weeks-After-St.-George's-Day-Day!"

The movie, by the way, was stellar (excuse the pun.) I am a lightweight Star Trek fan. I think the original TV series was hokey, but liked some of the movies. Loved the "Next Generation" TV series, and liked the "Enterprise" one with Scott Bakula too. I know enough to not be totally lost. This movie was fun, had great action, good jokes, and spectacular casting. Karl Urban, in particular, in the role of Dr. "Bones" McCoy, was dead-on. I really liked it. I liked it so much, I would go see it again (if it didn't cost is $60 to go to the movies thanks to the whole babysitter thing.)

Now onto a little rant I'm calling "WTF?" Last week was Teacher Appreciation Week. Teachers work really, really hard, and take a lot of abuse for not a lot of pay on a regular basis. Most of them are really good teachers, too. I'm all for appreciating them. But you have got to be kidding me sometimes. At my daughter's school, the principal has said that "collections" are not allowed. We cannot ask for donations of any kind and then go use that money to buy a good gift card. I am a real fan of donations. Every family gives what they can, and the teacher gets something she can actually use and enjoy. No one has to know that family A gave $40,but family B could only give $5. Instead, we get a list of things we are supposed to send in each day. One day was a hand-made card from the student. One day was a book fro the class library. One day was a cut flower. This is the day that got me. The instructions VERY CLEARLY stated a "cut flower." It could be from a store, or from your backyard - didn't matter. So - as instructed - I cut a few little plumbago flowers and a vinca, tied them together into a tiny little bouquet, and sent it in with Karlin. (This "bouquet" was hardly that - it was so small it fit in my petite 7-year old's hand.) I went in to the classroom later that day to volunteer, and what it all over the teacher's desk? Bouquets. Roses. Carnations. There were also 3 potted plants too. Great. That's just great. Way to make my daughter look crappy and make me look like a cheapy just because we did what I was supposed to do. The one-upmanship in our part of Tampa is unreal. I heard that at one area school (not ours) last Christmas, they asked each family to provide a gift card of at least a certain amount, and then they tied the little cards to a tree. The teacher walked off with something like $400 in gift cards. Are you kidding me? Not that they don't deserve it or earn it, but holy crap. What happened to making Christmas ornaments? Or giving a potted Christmas Cactus? And then there's the sheer volume of things you have to do for Christmas, Teacher Appreciation Week, and End-Of-The-Year. You have the main teacher. In pre-K, you have an assistant teacher. You have the gifted teacher. The music teacher. The art teacher. The PE Coach. The piano instructor. The riding instructor. And then you're supposed to do something nice for the admin staff too - the Principal & Asst. Principal, the Preschool Directors (there are 3 of them), the secretaries. Last week I got a note asking for a donation for the janitorial staff. So - let's say hypothetically speaking, I either donated $5 for each of those people, or I purchased something that cost $5 for each of those people. That would - with both kids at both schools - add up to a total of $85. That is a lot to fork out. And let's be realistic: you can't really buy much for $5. And most of the donation requests ask for $10 or $20. I did appreciate that this year, there seemed to be a bit more emphasis on hand-made gifts instead of hugely expensive ones. But still.

So my Teacher Appreciation gift was sub-par. WTF indeed.

Why I Am THE: Worst. Wife. Ever.

So...I could brag to you all about how brilliant I am for successfully smuggling booze onto the cruise ship. (Not so much really. I'm actually the dummy because I was the only person who even bothered to hide it - everyone else just put it in their suitcases.) I could tell you the fun story about how some poor, pathetic, newlywed bridezilla was so bitter that she felt the need to bitch me - me of the I've-just-had-40-beers fame - out for saying something about Gator football games to her dad. WTF? I could tell you how I really wanted to go outside this evening and bludgeon the teen that was riding the jacked up motor scooter around and around and around and around the block. Sounded like a two-seater plane buzzing my house every 2 minutes. I could tell you about the job I impulsively applied for, and how I am scared that I did it. I'm scared if I don't get it. I'm even more scared that I will get it. I could tell you all about how I am getting really, really worried about how I seem to be forgetting stuff lately. A LOT of stuff. Stuff that happens one a week like soccer practice. Stuff that happens every year.

But instead, I'm going to tell you why I am the worst wife ever. My husband is the best. Best father in the world. Handsome and in great shape. Utterly patient with me. Doesn't make me get a job. Doesn't seem to mind too much that I'm overweight. Lets me go on cruises - or pretty much wherever I want - whenever I want. Is sweet and fun and smart and noble. I honestly could not ask for anything more - he is the total package.

So here's how I thank him: I forget St. George's Day. (I can't get the damned link to insert, so you'll have to copy and paste the old fashioned way: http://www.ctspanish.com/festivals/stgeorge.htm) This is a little tradition he started years and years ago, while he was in Grad School. He had a classmate from Spain that told him about St. George's Day. Since Valentine's Day is Bart's birthday, he always felt I was getting a little cheated. So he started St. George's Day. Obviously, that first one 13 or 14 years ago, I didn't participate in from a giving standpoint. But every single year since then, we have surprised each other with little gifts. Usually there's a book (in the St. George's Day tradition), and sometimes more. We never, ever discuss St. George's Day. It's just always our little special thing that we do to surprise each other every year. Every year since 1996.

And I forgot.

It's in my calendar - April 23rd, in red ink. Not that I should even need a calendar - I know this date. So imagine what a complete heel I felt like when he walked in - after a 14 hour business trip, no less - and presented me with my St. George's day gift. A book. And a Vampire book at that.

I am literally crying as I type this - that's how awful and shitty I feel. He's so awesome and I suck. He does everything for me, and I can't even remember to appreciate him enough to get him a little something on our one special day.

He's probably read this and tell me how silly I am and how it doesn't really matter. But I know it does. I know it would to me if I was on the other end. So all I can say is "I'm sorry. You deserve much better. I love the book, and you too."

I gotta go get some Kleenex now - the front of my shirt is all wet.

Subterfuge

This is my new favorite word - "subterfuge." I like it because a) it applies to my activities at the current time, and b) I spelled it correctly without having to look it up (a big accomplishment for a mush-headed mommy...), and c) I knew what it meant, even though I probably haven't heard the word in forever.

It is likely only a temporary replacement for my other two favorite words: "chipotle" (which Bart says isn't technically an English word, and therefore doesn't count), and "maelstrom", which not only looks and sounds cool, but is actually a cool thing.

Anyway, back to the subterfuge...

I am leaving on a cruise tomorrow - 3 nights and 4 days to the Bahamas. 8 girls, no husbands, no kids. It should be interesting. It could be dangerous. What clothing to bring has been a primary concern of mine. My other primary concern - and this will be no surprise whatsoever to anyone who knows me well - is how to sneak alcohol on board the ship. It's not that I can't afford the drinks on board. It's that I don't want to pay for them. And there's the whole thrill of the can-I-get-away-with-it aspect. So the research has been underway.

I actually got the best idea from someone at my hairdresser's place. So now, here's what I have:

A still-sealed-in-the-plastic-shrink-wrap package of 4 bottles of orange Vitamin Water. What's actually in the Vitamin Water bottles: 2 have straight up Mango Margarita mix, and the other two are half Mango Margarita mix, and half tequila. (The chick told me how she did it with water bottles and vodka. You carefully stretch the plastic shrink-wrap out a bit, and slide the bottle carefully out. Replace the water with vodka, then close the bottle back up, and slide it back into the wrap. The wrap looks a tiny bit stretched, but it's not anything that wouldn't occur under normal shipping and stocking circumstances.) I also have an entire bottle of Cuervo Gold split up into 2 zip-lock bags, which are in bigger zip lock bags, which are in bigger zip lock bags. Those are layered within a folded beach towel. I'm considering taping $5 bills to each alcohol item, in the event someone actually opens them up to look at them.

So, I'm going in with the assumption that they will confiscate my alcohol. If they do, I'll mooch some off my friends (there are 8 of us, and we're all sneaking booze. They aren't going to bust ALL of us!), or I'll just buy it. That's why God created credit cards.(insert sound of husband falliong out of chair here.) If they don't, then WOO HOO! Free drinks and I can post a soon-to-be-famous video on booze smuggling on YouTube!

I gotta go make sure my zip-lock bags aren't leaking tequila all over my clothes. Wish me luck and Bon Voyage. I'll see ya on the other side!

The Library?

What is with the Library these days? or rather, what is with the kids at the Library these days?!?

I loved the Library as a kid. I could spend hours reading books, looking at books, and listening to books being read. I even remember where both of the branches near my house were. Now that I'm a pseudo-adult, I still love the Library. One reason is that I still love books. Another reason is that although I still love books, I'm too cheap to actually buy those books unless I really, really, really love them. Seriously, though. How cool is it in this day and age that there is a place that will let you take home books for free on basically what is the honor system? You check it out, you read it. If you love it, you renew it and read it again. If you really, really love it, you return it and then go buy it. It's like test driving cars - you get to see if you like it first before you commit to a purchase.

It's always been my hope that my kids would love the Library too. Things look good with Karlin, seeing as we practically have to pry books out of her hands just to get her to eat or take a bath. Chase is intrigued too, and reads more than he thinks I know about.

My normal routine is to seek out the books I want on-line, and put a hold on them. When they are ready, I go check them out. The guilt seeps in, though, when I remember all my trips to the Library as a child. So I wait until after school, and take both kids to the Library. I pick up the 5 books I have on hold for Karlin while Chase hangs in the kid's library, and Karlin checks out the Juvie section. I run back and pick out two travel books on the Grand Canyon (in preparation for my 40th Birthday hike-to-the-bottom-of-hell-and-back-out-the-other-side-trip) and two dog training books (yet another effort to find some way to control the drooling smelly animal that is ruining my backyard.) When I get back to the Kid's Library, where do I find both kids? AT THE DAMNED COMPUTERS. Chase is playing some retarded-looking Barney alphabet game, and Karlin is playing on the Webkinz site. I was pissed. We have a computer at home, for crying out loud. Why do they even need them in the Kid's Library? In this day and age of PS3s and Webkinz and Ipods, do kids really need anymore reasons to NOT find books interesting?

So I tried to let them finish their stupid games while I perused my Grand Canyon book. But I couldn't concentrate because there was this lady in there with a wailing 3 month old. And I mean screaming at the top of her little baby lungs. For more than 15 minutes. I couldn't believe mom wouldn't, oh, I don't know, step outside or something until she could get that baby asleep. The doors to the Kid's Library were wide open, so it could easily be heard throughout the entire Library. (The branch right near our house is only 2 years old, and they put an interior Children's Library inside of it with sound-proof glass walls and doors. Great idea, right? Kids can be seen, but not heard! Unfortunately, the Library staff has some freakish aversion to closing the doors. I even asked them to once, since the doors to the Children's room is right next to the exit door, and the exit door is a motion door that leads right out to the parking lot. Chase used to dash and I thought it would be, oh, I dunno, safer if the kids didn't have immediate access to traffic? They wouldn't close it. Said something ridiculous like "it disrupts the air flow.")

So after 15 minutes, I checked out all of our books (I did force Chase off the computer and told him to go choose at least 4 books - he went to the 1st shelf and pulled off 4 books, then went back to Barney) and made my kids get off the computers. Insert pathetic whines here.

I tried to explain to them in my very best Mommy voice that the Library is for books, NOT for computer games. If they want computer time at home, they can ask for it, but we don't go to the Library to play on the ($#&^!*) computers!!!

Under normal circumstances, I could say that I spend too much time on the computer as well, I'm exempt from that lately, though, since I am now in my 4th reading of the entire Twilight Saga. I just cannot get enough of that crap! No audio books, though - I'm reading the real deal.

In the end I am disappointed. Disappointed that my kids don't "big puffy heart" the Library. Disappointed that they think of the Library as a game arcade. And disappointed that I've done such a poor job convincing them otherwise.

Guess I'll have to work on that one a bit. At least until my Sookie Stackhouse books become available.

Followers

Ooo! I have "Followers"! I didn't even know what that was, so I added the "gadget" and voila! "Followers" appear! I feel so powerful. Like Jesus. OK, maybe not Jesus. Who is that crazy motivational speaker guy? Tony Robbins? Maybe I feel like Tony Robbins. Or maybe Billy Graham. People follow me. I have "followers."

Don't worry. I won't let it go to my head. All I have to do is go try on bathing suits and I'll crash right back down to earth. I'm not even that sure that I look better than Tony Robbins or Billy Graham in a bathing suit.

Maybe you guys shouldn't follow too close...

Postscript: I initially had the name "Tony Little" in there, but as my 1 comment shows, Tony Little is the exercise infomercial guy. Tony ROBBINS is the motivational speaker guy. Hope no one stops following me.

Things I Learned While Shopping Today...

In no particular order:

* They don't actually make bathing suits for normal people. You have two choices: the bikini you maybe would have fit in 20 years ago, and the old-lady swimdress. I refuse to surrender to a skirted bathing suit.

* If you happen to find a bathing suit that is even somewhat appropriate, you'll never find one with underwire. Meaning if you have breasts at all, and you have to chase after your kids or your dog or whatever on the beach, you'll most likely give yourself a black eye. That's if those bad boys can even get up that high.

* The same issues that effect your bathing suit choices can also impact the availability of button-down shirts. Unless industrial-strength steel reinforced thread is used, there's no way those buttons are gonna hold.

* They actually sell "Minimizer Bras" (which Bart says are a crime in and of themselves.) Unfortunately, they don't help with the bathing suit/button-down shirt dilemma.

* Girls with a little - or a lot - of back (that means a big butt, as in "Oh. My. God, Becky. Look at her butt. It is so big.")should not wear patterned shorts. This includes the latest cute trend of plaid bermuda & madras shorts. It's just a horrible mistake.

* Girls with short legs cannot wear bermuda shorts. Even to Bermuda.

* Cost does not necessarily correct the bathing suit situation. You will likely look just as shitty in that $109 Land's End Suit as you do the $29.99 one at Marshall's.

* Invariably, when you actually have money to spend, you will not be able to find anything to buy. And when you are flat broke, the world is filled with cute stuff. On sale. Clearance.

* No matter how much you might wish, you cannot actually clothe yourself in purses.

* Sears - of all places - has cute purses. Take a left at the dishwashers, and go past the tools.

* It is possible to go into the dressing room with 15 or more items, and have not even one of them fit. At all.

* In 2009, apparently belts are back in. Someone should inform the fashion industry that I have not worn a belt in 8 years. Even some of the bathing suits had belts - as if I wasn't having trouble enough!

* "Tunic" is code word for "will make you look pregnant if you weigh more than 105 pounds."

* "BoHo" is code word for "tunic that will make you look pregnant if you weigh more than 105 pounds."

* If you are short but weigh more than 105 pounds, you are totally screwed. You weigh too much for "petite" clothes, and noraml clothes - such as polo shirts - fit you like a dress.

* New Orleans has it right. All Malls should be equipped with margarita and daquiri bars on each level. This may help with the bathing suit shopping.

* It's hard to find really cheap shoes these days. Who really wants to spend $30 on a pair of flip flops?

I should have bought a t-shirt that said something along the lines of "I went shopping for 4 hours, and all I got was this purse, 2 too-long polo shirts, and a pair of shorts."

I'm going to get a beer and read "Twilight" again. No one has to wear bathing suits in Forks.