Holy S#*t! We've Arrived!

OK. We get to do a TON - and I mean a TON - of cool stuff thanks to Bart's job. Two years ago, we got a full ride long weekend at Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra. Really nice resort, and apparently there's some famous golf there too. Then last year, we got the two-for-one bonus summer: A weekend at the world famous Breakers Resort in Palm Beach, and a weekend at the Ritz-Carlton in Sarasota. In order to get you to fully appreciate where I am right NOW (um - that would be The Contemporaray Resort at Walt Disney World), I need to give you a little history. Funny history, I hope.

Until last year, I had never even heard of The Breakers. Several people I know literally gasped when I told them we were going there. It seems that whenever the Travel Channel does it's Top 10 US Beach Resorts, The Breakers is almost always on it, usually top 5. One friend told me that she and her now-husband had looked into getting married there, but it was crazy expensive.

So The Breakers. I drove there with the kids and met Bart there. I had ear infections in both ears, but was determined to make the best of it. As soon as we pulled up, I knew I was in trouble. No fewer than 3 young men opened the car doors for us almost before the car had stopped. I told one of them who I was, and they helped us all out of the car and unloaded our luggage. (It's worth noting here that from that point on they always addressed me by name: "Good afternoon Mrs. Edwards - how was your dinner?" "Welcome back Mrs. Edwards, is there anything we can do for you today?" They always spoke to the kids too, which gets them big bonus points in my book.) They didn't even look at me funny when they unloaded a cooler full of food and a bunch of pillows and blankets. Needless to say, this Holiday Inn kid was a little awestruck. The hotel and the room were gorgeous - I felt like I was staying in a French chateau someplace. I don't think we did too much that night - drove out to an IHOP to get the kids pancakes. The next day while Bart was Conferencing, I decided to take the kids to the beach and pool. I'm a Gulf of Mexico beach snob, so the Atlantic beaches have never really impressed me much. But if I was ging to lay on an Atlantic beach, I would pick this one. It was beautiful - one of the only times I have ever been able to get Karlin to swim in the ocean. Anywho, I put on my suit, a pair of denim shorts, a Florida gators t-shirt, flip flops, and a baseball cap. (I'm going to the beach, remember?) I throw some snacks and a few juice boxes into a small cooler for the kids, and out we go. I notice right away that something is off. All around me are women in large straw hats & designer bags wearing LOTS of diamonds. In many cases, they had their 19 year old nannies in tow to watch over their LL Bean-clad kids. As we made our way to the beach, I was stopped by a very polite woman in a blazer and asked for MY ROOM KEY! She was very nice, but apparently my t-shirt and flip flop clad self looked a little out of place. I showed her me key, and then she politely explained that coolers, food, and drinks were not permitted at the beach or pool. Huh? I showed her that it was just granola bars and sippy cups, but no dice. She offered to hold my cooler, but reminded me that "we'd be happy to get you anything you'd like from the pool snack bar." Okay. So we trot our coolerless selves down to the beach, where Jason met us. Jason is what me and my cougar friends might call a "pool boy", cute and young. (Yes Amy - you are now officially a Cougar too...) Jason somehow knew who I was (did they call down from the cooler jail or something?), and immediately greeted me with "Good mroning Mrs. Edwards - may I get you a chair?" Why yes, Jason, yes you can. "Mrs. Edwards, would you prefer to be by the water, near the Lifeguard, or over close to the kid's toys?" (They have a wonderful little sandy play area with a lifetime supply of sand toys - I chose there.) Then Jason got me a chair, laid out a towel, made a pillow out of another towel, secured it all down so the wind wouldn't blow it, pulled a side table over, left me with 2 extra towels for the kids, then asked "Can I get you anything, Mrs. Edwards? Sparkling water? Soda? Cocktail?" Oh yeah - I could get used to living like this. So I had Jason fetch me a beer, and then me and the kids enjoyed the beach for a bit. (DUH! Mental note: always have tip money on hand at The Breakers.) Later on, we moved to the pool. I chose my own chair (it had fluffy folded towels on it already), and within minutes another boy came by to see if we needed anything. I tool a look at the snack bar menu and almost spit my sparkling water all over the 2,000 thread Egyptian Cotton towel. Guess how much a PB&J sandwich is? $10.50! And a hot dog? $11.50! A slice of pizza? $12.50! O-M-G! Bart's company is paying for the room, but anything we order is on us. The cheapie girl in me just couldn't stomache those prices - I could buy 3 loafs of bread, a jar of peanut butter, and a jar of jelly and make 30 sandwiches myself for $10.50! So we went back to the room and raided my stash of food for lunch. The rest of the weekend went well - no major disasters. All that service took a little getting used to, and I didn't really have the appropriate wardrobe, and we didn't eat any food on property (except what we brought), but overall, I LOVED the place! (The kids did too.)

A month later we went to the Ritz - just me and Bart. Now, by most standards, the Ritz is a kick-ass place. But after staying at the Breakers, well, it's just not the same. It's the difference between having 3-4 guys open your car door, and just one. It's the difference in being on the beach, or having to take a shuttle to the Beach Club. Bart and I kept joking about what a "dump" the Ritz was. (FYI - The Ritz sarasota is a really great - I would stay there agin in a heartbeat.) The only real problem we had was that the valet could never seem to find our car. One time it took almost half an hour and a number of progressively higher ranking valet people to find it.

The point of all this is that I/we get to do things we would NEVER get to do otherwise. Most times I feel that we are a "wealthy" family. We are quite comfortable. We live in a nice house, have 2 nice cars, and a kick-ass swimming pool. We take pretty good vacations. But then you visit a place like the Breakers, and you realize that no matter how rich you think you are, there is a whole other level of people out there - people that most of us don't know about because we never come into contact with them. I can pretend (which I did this year on our return visit, but that will be in the next post), but I don't really belong there.

In the meantime, I'm going to sit here on my balcony at The Contemporary, where in a few hours we will get a million dollar view of the Magic Kingdom fireworks show.

Life is Good.

The Monsoon Pony Party

Let me start by telling you one of those stories. ALL of our parents have one of these stories. You know, the one that starts out with careful, painstaking planning of the perfect birthday party...

Karlin was turning 7. Karlin's whole world revolves around horses. So when I asked her what kind of party she wanted, she of course replied: "A Horse Party." So I got in touch with the lovely lady (Ms. Sue) who Karlin has been taking Pony Camp with for the last few years. She agreed to bring Patches the Pony out for 2 hours. Pony? Check. Then I had to find a place to have it. How about Lake Park? It's beautiful, they allow horses, and there are plenty of lovely shaded areas for the kids and the pony. Venue? Check. I tried to reserve a "picnic shelter", but they were all taken 6 weeks out. But no worries...Ms. Sue and I agreed that there were plenty of shaded picnic areas for the party. Then Karlin picked out the ensemble: the plates, napkins, cups, tablecloths, favors, and cake toppers. (By the way - I am quite proud that as favors we sent home 1 pony lollipop, and a color-your-own western bandanna that each girl got to personalize and keep. No bags of ring pops that stick to the carpet, stickers that end up all over the furniture, or bubbles that always spill somewhere.) Ambiance? Check. What time of day? Well, it's June in Florida, so only a numbskull would schedule a party during afternoon thunderstorms. How about 9:30 am - 11:30 am? Cooler temps, no rain, and the added benefit of not having to feed the guests an entire meal! Time? Check. Invitations? Check. Cute ones with a little pony and a little rhyme. We are good to go! 8 little girls coming, a horse, an aunt & uncle, a baby cousin, and a Granny and a Nanny. We are ready to ROLL!

So at 7:30 am on said day of party, I awoke, put my feet on the floor, and heard...Thunder. "Oh shit" I thought. "NO WAY is it going to rain today!" I immediately checked the radar, and it looked bad. Really bad. So I called Ranger Andy at Lake Park, and he told me that there was 1 shelter that was first-come-first-serve, and that as of 10 minutes ago it was empty. So Bart and Chase haul ass out there to secure the shelter. We load up the car, and get to Lake Park - no rain. Ms. Sue and Patches show up and set up - no rain. The first guests arrive just as...it starts to rain. And let me tell you, this was no gentle summer shower. This was a full-on Florida-kick-your-ass storm system, with brain shattering thunder and terrifying lightning to go with it. Not to mention the torrential downpour.

We did the best we could. We moved the tables into the middle of the shelter, and Ms. Sue and her husband Steve saddled Patches up and led the girls for short rides under the outskirts of the shelter. Then the lightning got worse, so we did the craft (bandannas), and ate cake. (Ice cream cake, because it was SUPPOSED to be 110 degrees outside, remember?) Then we did presents. Two of the girls' gift bags got soaked, and the bottoms collapsed. Then - in the last 20 minutes - the rain and thunder and lightning stopped. All of the girls got a nice long lap on the pony out around the grass. Karlin got to get up and show off her riding skills, including getting Patches to trot. Right at 11:30, the bottom fell out again - the monsoon was back. All of the girls and their parents were so patient and understanding. And I think most everyone had fun anyway. But still - so NOT what I worked my tail off for.

But as Ms. Sue said: "Kids don't have nearly the expectations that we do." And she's right. Karlin had a blast, and from (most of) the pictures you can't even really tell it was that bad.

How is it possible that I have a freakin' 7 year old?

Two Comics that REALLY Fit My Life Right Now...

Goodbye, George Carlin

In yet another brush with our own, aging mortality, we've lost another great. First it was Evil Knieval last November...now we've lost George Carlin. George Carlin taught me most of the dirty words I know. (My parents used to watch him on TV once we got cable, and didn't know my sister and I were listening.) I even had the pleasure of seeing George in person, in - of all places, the buckle of the Bible Belt - the Saenger Theater in Pensacola. It was about the same time that picture up there was taken. It was also right down the street from First Baptist Church (aka Six Flags Over Jesus), which he probably would have thought was hilarious. He was even better in person than on TV. He was funny, but he was smart too. He made people laugh while he made them think. That's a rare quality in a person. Peace out, GC. May you live your afterlife shouting out all the dirty words you can think of, with no f@*%ing FCC to bother your ass!

My Reading from the Bucket List...

You'll have to go back and read the archives if you don't know why I call my New Year's Resolution list the Bucket List. Anywho-

One of the things on the list is "read more books." That would be non-kid books. PTA manuals don't count either.

So far, I've knocked out about 1 a month. Not too shabby. I did a few funny ones, one serious pseudo-educational one, and one sci-fi/fantasy. Now I'm adding a classic to the list - Watership Down. True - I have read it before, but it's been about 18 years - long enough that I didn't really remember all that happened in the book. So it was tons of fun reading it - I could barely put the damned thing down! ("Ya Meeter Pig Vig - I elp you get the mudders, ya?") Love that book.

Next I'm trying to get my hands on a book recommended to me by my friend Deb. It's called "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell", and Deb says it is one of the funniest books she's ever read. Deb is a HUGE reader, so if she says it, it must be true. Apparently it's really good, because my neighborhood book store was flat sold out of it - it's on back order. And the Library has a waiting list about 2 years long.

If I ever get my hands on a copy, I'll let you know how it is. I'm also eyeing a book by Jen Lancaster called "Bitter Is The New Black." The title alone sounds hilarious! Wish me luck!

Snakes and Pirates and Riding Lessons, Oh My! And then there's the whole job thing...

So I'll bet the whole "naked snake wrangling" thing sounded all sexy, eh? Not so much. Here's a pic of the big killer himself, happily hanging out in our pool skimmer. The naked part only came in because I had just finished jogging, and since it's Africa hot here now, I am prone to pull off my soaking wet running clothes and jump in the pool to cool off. (You may be wondering why I just don't put on a suit. Have you ever tried putting on a bathing suit when you're all sweaty? Almost impossible. And then there was the fact that my head was on fire, or so it felt like...) Anyway, once I saw the snake in the skimmer, I got out, wrapped myself in a towel, and called for Bart. Bart - of course - immediately called for the death of the snake. Not being overly fond of snakes, he automatically goes into "I'll get the shovel" mode. Me - being the ex-animal enthusiast that I once was - decided that no, we were going to IDENTIFY it first. So up I run to the computer, where I proceed to yell questions out of the window like "Is the tail sulfur-colored?" and "Is there distinct banding behind the eyes?" Bart got fed up with this pretty quick, and besides - it's pretty difficult to distinguish a juvenile snake from pictures on the computer. It most likely was a Florida Brown Snake. However, it COULD have been a baby Pygmy Rattlesnake (venomous) or a baby Cottonmouth (venomous).

I should take a moment here to interject that THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A POISONOUS LAND SNAKE! They are VENOMOUS - not POISONOUS, due to the fact that the venom is injected in order to take effect. (As opposed to an animal such as a Poison Dart Frog, who excretes it's toxin onto the skin, where you have to touch it or ingest it to be affected.) Pet peeve of mine. You'd be amazed how many so-called "Wildlife Experts" on Animal Planet or the Discover Channel will refer to snakes as "poisonous."

I am not a big fan of killing wildlife. However, when it comes down to the chance that one of kids might be in danger, what can I say - I let Bart get the shovel. So that's how I came to be naked, wrapped in a towel, holding a tiny snake with a pair of BBQ tongs while my husband cut it's head off with a shovel. Before you say "Awwww" with sympathy, I need to point out that this little punk was really nasty. For a snake that small, he was not going to take any crap off of us. He curled up on the handle and tried to strike several times, which did nothing to increase the odds of his staying in this world.


I had a fabulous girls' weekend at the beach last weekend. We went to a place in Treasure Island called John's Pass. There was supposed to be a Pirate Festival that weekend, but I'd have to say the whole "Pirate Festival" part was pretty lame. Gators was a fun and unusual place though. On night #2, we gave up on the John's Pass thing, and took our decked-out selves to St. Pete Beach to attract attention with our Pirate outfits and beads. It was a very rare occurrence for me as I was the perfect amount of drunk, AND I wasn't the sick one the next morning! Here's Nancy, Therese, and I, looking rather mischievous if you ask me.

And then there's the riding lessons. God bless my baby girl - in almost 7 years on this planet, she has loved nothing but horses. Horse books, Pony books, any movies or games with horses in them, horse clothes, pony camps during the summer and on breaks. We counted a few months back, and she has 87 horses in her room. Those include stuffed horses, Breyer horses, My Little Ponies, etc. 87. And with her birthday coming up, what did she ask for? Ponies and Horses. We've tried Gymnastics and soccer. No dice. We did Chorus and now piano. Those were met with moderate enthusiasm. After almost 3 years of Pony Camp (where she learned horse anatomy & grooming, and some beginning riding), Ms. Sue says she has reached her ceiling and needs to move on to proper riding lessons. The good news? There is a great place about 6 miles from the house. It's beautiful, and they can teach her as much as she wants to learn - maybe even to the point of showing and competing. It seems so extravagant to me - riding lessons are for rich kids. That's where the bad news comes in - it's pretty pricey. But if she doesn't do much else, and it's the only thing she's truly expressed an interest in, should we give it a go? I'm tempted to say yes, but I'm not the one who pays the bills.

And that is actually a pretty tidy lead-in to the whole job thing. I don't pay the bills, but I may be helping. Last night, I spent 3 hours filling out my first job application in more than 7 years. I'm not even sure I want the job - it's full time, it's 25-30 minutes from the house, and the pay is so-so. But it's a Park Ranger position, so I'm throwing my hat in the ring. I think I passed my first hurdle by going through that endless application process for the Sate of Florida. UGH! You have to really be interested in a job to go through all of that. I seriously doubt that I'll even get a phone call back - I've been through this at least 3-4 times before, and each time - nada. But I'm hopeful maybe they'll at least want to talk to me. Then maybe I can get them to consider a part-time gig.

Bart says I shouldn't tell people I'm applying for a job. What a weirdo - what's wrong with sharing your entire life with a couple hundred of your closest pals? (Or the whole 8 people who read this thing - ha ha ha!)

Coming Soon....

I'm coming back - I swear. Once I get through the end-of-the-school year stuff, and once I recover from my upcoming Pirate Festival girl's weekend, I'll update this blog.

I'm sure I'll have some interesting stories to muse over. And I'll have to tell you about the naked snake wrangling.

If anyone from the Tampa Bay Lighting stumbles upon this: WTF? BARRY MELROSE AS COACH? YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS!!!! CALL THE PRESS WHEN YOU SOBER UP!

;)