The Glory of Being a Woman (in a dress)

Most men have NO IDEA what we go through to look good. My dear hubby got an idea this weekend when we got all dolled up to go out to a fancy-schmancy business dinner.

Step 1: Buy a dress. Sounds simple enough, but...no. Not really. I personally did my own little version of "27 Dresses", since I tried on at least that many. Did you know that - if you have large breasts - you practically have to be a contortionist in order to try on a dress with a side zipper? Imagine me, all alone, twisting the damned dress(es) around trying to hold down my boobs while pulling the zipper taut with one hand and yanking on the zipper with the other hand. Yes - it was really like that. After dress #16, I decided that I was no longer trying on any dresses with side zippers. FINALLY I found a dress. Cute and summery, fairly flattering, and 50% off. Sweeeeeeeeet. But then there's the problem of the bra.

Step 2: Buy a bra. The particular dress that I purchased was a type that sorta wraps over the boobs. It was not particularly low-cut or risque, but most of my mammoth support bras showed in the front because they didn't plunge enough. But that's OK, right? They have these nifty cool things called convertible bras! It took me 3 stores and 8 bras, but I finally found a Vera Wang bra that had a low profile in the front, and those nifty clear straps that could go over the shoulders, or cross in the back. Done. It may be worth noting here that most of those really cool bras come in A,B, or C cup sizes. Occasionally, you may stumble upon a D size (which I did.) But that's not much comfort (and I mean that literally) when you could probably use one just a little bigger than that. This bra was also the same price as the dress.

Step 3: Get Dressed. Once I was putting on the dress, I realized that when I walked around, the straps were too loose. The sitter was arriving in 20 minutes, so there was no time to sew or pin or anything. The dress has straps that button in the back, and had 2 button holes so you could adjust the strap lengths. Still a tad too long. And with the dress sliding around, the bra was showing. The last thing I needed was to have a Janet Jackson moment in the middle of the appetizer. So I get Bart to help me. First, we crossed the convertible bra straps and hooked them into place. (Ow.) Then, I had him cross the dress straps. This succeeded in making everything stay put, but man o man was I strapped in. Boobs weren't popping out, but I did look a bit like a breast-feeding mom. And in order to get the boobs to stay put, the dress was tighter, making the skin between the boobs and the shoulder kind of spooge out. UGH. Thank God for the wrap my sister-in-law loaned me. I played all night like I was chilly, and kept the wrap on. Oh - and I almost forgot what I lovingly call the sucky-innie pants. These are nude-colored bicycle type shorts that cover from just under your boobs to your thighs. They suck everything in. They are horribly uncomfortable, and getting them on is a little like putting on a wetsuit.

So I went to dinner, in my too-small convertible bra, with my boobs packed in tight, with a wrap to hide the spoogy arm flesh , and sucky-innie pants to make everything smooth. I am fairly certain I would have been more comfortable in a space suit. But I looked pretty good, and I guess that's what counts.

Step 4: Get undressed. First off - the sucky-innie pants didn't make it the whole night. After dinner, I went to the restroom and pulled them off, and stuck them in my purse. (Dear God don't let anyone ask me for anything that might be in my purse.) Wow - MUCH better, though. I have never been so glad to get clothes off in my life, with maybe the one exception of my wedding day, when I ran through 96 degree heat while people pelted me with birdseed, which then got stuck in the sweat between my body and another infamous support-and-structure type garment. Anyway, once home, I took off the dress and the bra. I had indentations in my skin from both for about 3 hours. Ouch.

All in all, though dinner went well. Nothing of mine popped out (not the boobs, not the sucky-innie pants from my purse), and the evening was a success.

It still surprises me what we go through to look good. And in re-reading this, it surprises me that we invent vocabulary when we look good. I'm pretty certain I've never seen "sucky-inny" pants marketed anywhere, and "spoogy" is not in the Dictionary.

Maybe it should be - most women understand 100% what "spoogy" skin is. Maybe I'll write "The Women's' Beauty Dictionary". Words like "spoogy" and "sucky-innie" could become a part of the world's everyday vocabulary! Then again...maybe I should spend that time doing something to make the spoogy stuff a little less spoogy, and decreasing the necessity of sucky-innie pants.

My Wii Active should be here today.