Top five things I loved about this Christmas:
5. Spending time with family
4. Eating Christmas dinner outside by the pool while listening to steel drum
Christmas music
3. Seeing ICE at the Gaylord Palms on Christmas Eve
2. Seeing the Rawls Road Christmas Lights on Christmas night
1. Swimming in my pool with my kids on Christmas Day
Top five things I hated about this Christmas:
5. Not having my dad or my dog with us
4. Having all of the stress catch up with me at 10:30 pm on Christmas Eve
3. No stores open at 10:30 pm on Christmas Eve that sell toy ponies
2. Having my Ipod blow up on Christmas morning, taking with it all of my playlists
1. Having sick kids on Christmas
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men...
...and even to that woman in line in front of you at the store that just had to price check every other item and only AFTER she gets the total does she begin to search her too-big-to-carry-on-a-plane purse for her checkbook. And then she starts to write the check "Who do I make it out to?" while you stand in line imagining ways to quietly and discreetly dispose of this woman.
Seriously...I love that part in "A Charlie Brown Christmas" where Linus goes into the spotlight and explains what Christmas is all about. (Yes, I KNOW it's really from the bible, but it's more fun from the cartoon, and kids - and pseudo immature grown-ups - can relate to it better from Linus.) Anywho... that Linus part always makes me tear up a little.
I actually had a Verizon cell phone Rep wish me a "Merry Christmas" on the phone yesterday. How fabulous is that? I still haven't gotten the whole can-we-celebrate-Christmas-and-say-Merry-Christmas controversy. The majority of the US population is Christian, so most of us do Christmas. We have co-existed with the Jewish folks for what seems like forever, and we've had no problems. I send "Christmas Cards" to many people who are Jewish. It's not an attempt to run my religious choice in their faces or to try to convert them. It's just a way to reach out once a year and say "hey - we're thinking about you, and we hope you are doing well. Here's some cute pictures of our kids." Most of my Jewish friends send cards to us too (although they are much more conscientious and usually seek out Christmas specific cards. So thoughtful.) I mean really - what is all the fuss about? Christmas - once you get past the commercial trappings - celebrates GOOD things that EVERYONE should want: peace, goodwill, generosity, giving, friends, family. Who doesn't want that stuff?
So for the next few days, I'm going to task you with a mission: spread peace and goodwill. Take 30 seconds today and realize how much you have to be thankful for. Stop wrapping for 20 seconds and look at your pretty Christmas tree. When you are out shopping, and you are in a line of traffic in your car, let someone in front of you. Or maybe even 2 or 3 people. Take all of the change you have in your house and dump it into the red Salvation Army tin at the grocery store. Spend 5 minutes sending an email to a few people who have helped you get through the year. Hug your spouse, kids, fiance, whoever. Don't let the stress and the crowds and the noise and the cranky in-laws get you down. Realize that any gift - even if you hate it - is nice. I mean - hey! Someone thought about you and got you something. Isn't that gesture nice in and of itself?
So you little elves - get out there and try to be happy. Try to ENJOY the next few days. To any and all who read this: I wish you a very Merry Christmas, a Happy Holiday season, and a super-duper blessed and prosperous New Year.
(You can pick yourself up off the floor now. Yes - I am being uncharacteristically upbeat and positive today. Look for the likely post-script to this tonight after I've braved the grocery store and attempted to find a box big enough for the Barbie house...) ;)
Promised post-script...11:38 pm on 12/23...not too bad. Wonderful, loving husband did all the grocery shopping and cooked dinner too. I had to clean house (which I do anyway), and then I spent 4 somewhat successful hours in the kitchen baking. I had one batch of my fail-safe cake cookies that turned out well (no fancy shapes or decorations - that would just be asking too much of me.) I made a bunch of buckeyes (chocolate covered peanut butter balls), which were a family tradition until my Nanny passed away. Unfortunately, I didn't come anywhere near her results. Maybe the recipe I have needs a little tweaking. I also made a mega batch of Peanut Butter fudge and a regular sized batch of regular fudge. Jury is still out on those - won't be able to taste them until tomorrow. (Although Bart poses this interesting question: if there's no chocolate in the fudge is it still really "fudge"?) Still doing laundry and dealing with sick kid, but otherwise all is well...Ho Ho Ho
Seriously...I love that part in "A Charlie Brown Christmas" where Linus goes into the spotlight and explains what Christmas is all about. (Yes, I KNOW it's really from the bible, but it's more fun from the cartoon, and kids - and pseudo immature grown-ups - can relate to it better from Linus.) Anywho... that Linus part always makes me tear up a little.
I actually had a Verizon cell phone Rep wish me a "Merry Christmas" on the phone yesterday. How fabulous is that? I still haven't gotten the whole can-we-celebrate-Christmas-and-say-Merry-Christmas controversy. The majority of the US population is Christian, so most of us do Christmas. We have co-existed with the Jewish folks for what seems like forever, and we've had no problems. I send "Christmas Cards" to many people who are Jewish. It's not an attempt to run my religious choice in their faces or to try to convert them. It's just a way to reach out once a year and say "hey - we're thinking about you, and we hope you are doing well. Here's some cute pictures of our kids." Most of my Jewish friends send cards to us too (although they are much more conscientious and usually seek out Christmas specific cards. So thoughtful.) I mean really - what is all the fuss about? Christmas - once you get past the commercial trappings - celebrates GOOD things that EVERYONE should want: peace, goodwill, generosity, giving, friends, family. Who doesn't want that stuff?
So for the next few days, I'm going to task you with a mission: spread peace and goodwill. Take 30 seconds today and realize how much you have to be thankful for. Stop wrapping for 20 seconds and look at your pretty Christmas tree. When you are out shopping, and you are in a line of traffic in your car, let someone in front of you. Or maybe even 2 or 3 people. Take all of the change you have in your house and dump it into the red Salvation Army tin at the grocery store. Spend 5 minutes sending an email to a few people who have helped you get through the year. Hug your spouse, kids, fiance, whoever. Don't let the stress and the crowds and the noise and the cranky in-laws get you down. Realize that any gift - even if you hate it - is nice. I mean - hey! Someone thought about you and got you something. Isn't that gesture nice in and of itself?
So you little elves - get out there and try to be happy. Try to ENJOY the next few days. To any and all who read this: I wish you a very Merry Christmas, a Happy Holiday season, and a super-duper blessed and prosperous New Year.
(You can pick yourself up off the floor now. Yes - I am being uncharacteristically upbeat and positive today. Look for the likely post-script to this tonight after I've braved the grocery store and attempted to find a box big enough for the Barbie house...) ;)
Promised post-script...11:38 pm on 12/23...not too bad. Wonderful, loving husband did all the grocery shopping and cooked dinner too. I had to clean house (which I do anyway), and then I spent 4 somewhat successful hours in the kitchen baking. I had one batch of my fail-safe cake cookies that turned out well (no fancy shapes or decorations - that would just be asking too much of me.) I made a bunch of buckeyes (chocolate covered peanut butter balls), which were a family tradition until my Nanny passed away. Unfortunately, I didn't come anywhere near her results. Maybe the recipe I have needs a little tweaking. I also made a mega batch of Peanut Butter fudge and a regular sized batch of regular fudge. Jury is still out on those - won't be able to taste them until tomorrow. (Although Bart poses this interesting question: if there's no chocolate in the fudge is it still really "fudge"?) Still doing laundry and dealing with sick kid, but otherwise all is well...Ho Ho Ho
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
A Borrowed Blog...
This was written by Jenny Runkel, wife of Hal Runkel of the "Scream Free Parenting" program. For those of us (like me) who have (as recently as last night) felt like sleeping until Jan. 2nd, with an occasional break to yell at someone, this might make you feel a little better. Enjoy!
The Grinch That Stole Mommy
By Jenny Runkel
I hate the Christmas season. Ok, maybe hate is too strong a word. That's the problme with being a writer. Everyone pays really close attention to your words and if you're not careful, they come back to haunt you in one way or another. So which word really pinpoints my feelings about Christmas? Bitterness? Melancholy? Cynicism? Dread? Hmm…that has a nice ring to it. Yes, I think that just might be it. I dread Christmas.
Sad, but true. I dread “the most wonderful time of the year.” I should be traipsing around town spreading cheer and drinking Peppermint Lattes, but I just can’t. To tell you the truth, I feel more like curling up into the fetal position and trying to sleep my way through the craziness. There is just something panic-inducing about the month of December. I have never sat down to try and outline what makes me so anxious whenever I hear Bing Crosby dreaming of a White Christmas, but with another yuletide quickly approaching, it’s high time I did just that.
Maybe it’s the catalogs that arrive before I’ve even finished sneaking the KitKats out of my kids’ Halloween bags. Those things are relentless. The catalogs, I mean. They clog my mailbox daily, promising lifetime guarantees on “gift solutions that make life easier.” Let’s think about that for a moment. Does a chocolate fondue fountain really make my life easier? What about a hand-held gnome that repeats phrases you give it in a “gnome accent?" You know what would really make my life easier? Not getting any more catalogs! Maybe it’s the supermarkets. I went to the grocery store on November 1st this year to do my weekly shopping. I expected the Halloween candy to be on sale and I knew Thanksgiving trimmings would greet me at the door—stacks of cranberry sauce, perhaps even rows of Indian corn. What I didn’t expect was to be hit in the face by Christmas. Literally. A gigantic inflatable Santa smacked me in the head just as I walked down the greeting card aisle. On November 1st! The clerk hauling Jolly St. Nick to his appointed spot apologized profusely, saying that she didn’t see me around the corner, but I know better. I saw the look on Santa’s face as they headed down aisle 14 to meet up with the candy canes. He was definitely smirking.
Maybe it’s the magazines lining the checkout counters. While I’m wrestling my kids away from the Skittles (and remembering that one of them hasn’t had a dentist appointment in ages), I’m faced with photos of darling children in precious Christmas sweaters making their own ornaments and baking cookies while Mom is scrapbooking the moment as it happens. AUGH!!!!
And then it hits me. I don’t really dread Christmas itself. It’s the pressure of the Holidays that make me woozy. All the glitz and glitter that the stores and commercials try to sell us has left me feeling empty and small. Real holidays, at least the holidays I’ve experienced, usually involve hurt feelings and awkward conversations. The catalogs, stores, and magazines don’t show you that side of things. They show the plastic side of Christmas.
It’s not the decorations or shopping that make me crazy, it’s the expectations that I’ve attached to those things. I’ve been listening to my inner “Should” without even recognizing it. This voice tells me what I’m supposed to do, how I’m supposed to look, how my children are supposed to behave. Apparently, it doesn’t stop there, though. It also tells me what the Holidays are supposed to be like. It tells me that I should bake cookies and put up Christmas lights. I should get the perfect gifts for my kids’ teachers, crossing guards, and coaches (not to mention friends and family). I should decorate the house and create a warm, cozy environment. I should write the perfect holiday letter and take the perfect holiday photo. I should catch up with all my long lost friends who send those same perfect letters and photos to me. I should record all these fantastic moments for eternity with pictures and videos. And I MUST do it all in precious Christmas sweaters.
I’m exhausted just thinking about it all. I am paralyzed by the sheer volume of things that need to be done. What am I doing to myself? To my family? This is Christmas, not the Mommy Olympics. Although sometimes it feels like it, there is no one watching my every move and waiting to give me a score, The loud echo of The Should doesn’t have to govern my actions and attitudes
No more! I am a smart, successful woman. I have the power and ability to overcome the lure of The Should and start enjoying the winter wonderland along with the best of them. From now on, I will listen to a new voice in my head. One that is a little more gentle, a little more wise and a lot more sane. I will call this my Maya Angelou voice. She sits on a windowsill in my mind waiting to comfort me with a smile and a nod. When I feel the urge to deck something other than the halls, I will hear her say to me in her warm, buttery voice,
“It’s ok to say no. You don’t need to attend all those parties and volunteer for every activity.”
“Put your feet up and take care of you for a change. When’s the last time you had some peace and quiet?”
“You are not alone. Just about everyone gets stressed around the holidays.”
“Be creative. There is not one right way to do everything. Revel in your unique approach.”
“Work smarter, not harder. Figure out what you’re not great at and let someone who is lend you a hand.”
“Enjoy the little moments. You will one day miss the way your child furrows her brow when writing to Santa.”
“Be gentle with yourself and with others. That is a gift worth giving.”
My inner Angelou. She makes me feel better already. There’s one problem with my plan. The Should won’t go away easily. It’s comfortable in my head. It’s been there for a long time and if I’m not careful, it will choke out Maya at the first sign of stress. I’ve got to think up a way to take that annoyingly persistent whine out of my head before it ruins yet another Christmas.
An epiphany! I know what I will do. I will order the Talking Gnome. I can give my Should another home and this time, instead of sounding like me, it will have a “silly gnome accent”. Maybe that Gnome really will make my life easier, after all.
The Grinch That Stole Mommy
By Jenny Runkel
I hate the Christmas season. Ok, maybe hate is too strong a word. That's the problme with being a writer. Everyone pays really close attention to your words and if you're not careful, they come back to haunt you in one way or another. So which word really pinpoints my feelings about Christmas? Bitterness? Melancholy? Cynicism? Dread? Hmm…that has a nice ring to it. Yes, I think that just might be it. I dread Christmas.
Sad, but true. I dread “the most wonderful time of the year.” I should be traipsing around town spreading cheer and drinking Peppermint Lattes, but I just can’t. To tell you the truth, I feel more like curling up into the fetal position and trying to sleep my way through the craziness. There is just something panic-inducing about the month of December. I have never sat down to try and outline what makes me so anxious whenever I hear Bing Crosby dreaming of a White Christmas, but with another yuletide quickly approaching, it’s high time I did just that.
Maybe it’s the catalogs that arrive before I’ve even finished sneaking the KitKats out of my kids’ Halloween bags. Those things are relentless. The catalogs, I mean. They clog my mailbox daily, promising lifetime guarantees on “gift solutions that make life easier.” Let’s think about that for a moment. Does a chocolate fondue fountain really make my life easier? What about a hand-held gnome that repeats phrases you give it in a “gnome accent?" You know what would really make my life easier? Not getting any more catalogs! Maybe it’s the supermarkets. I went to the grocery store on November 1st this year to do my weekly shopping. I expected the Halloween candy to be on sale and I knew Thanksgiving trimmings would greet me at the door—stacks of cranberry sauce, perhaps even rows of Indian corn. What I didn’t expect was to be hit in the face by Christmas. Literally. A gigantic inflatable Santa smacked me in the head just as I walked down the greeting card aisle. On November 1st! The clerk hauling Jolly St. Nick to his appointed spot apologized profusely, saying that she didn’t see me around the corner, but I know better. I saw the look on Santa’s face as they headed down aisle 14 to meet up with the candy canes. He was definitely smirking.
Maybe it’s the magazines lining the checkout counters. While I’m wrestling my kids away from the Skittles (and remembering that one of them hasn’t had a dentist appointment in ages), I’m faced with photos of darling children in precious Christmas sweaters making their own ornaments and baking cookies while Mom is scrapbooking the moment as it happens. AUGH!!!!
And then it hits me. I don’t really dread Christmas itself. It’s the pressure of the Holidays that make me woozy. All the glitz and glitter that the stores and commercials try to sell us has left me feeling empty and small. Real holidays, at least the holidays I’ve experienced, usually involve hurt feelings and awkward conversations. The catalogs, stores, and magazines don’t show you that side of things. They show the plastic side of Christmas.
It’s not the decorations or shopping that make me crazy, it’s the expectations that I’ve attached to those things. I’ve been listening to my inner “Should” without even recognizing it. This voice tells me what I’m supposed to do, how I’m supposed to look, how my children are supposed to behave. Apparently, it doesn’t stop there, though. It also tells me what the Holidays are supposed to be like. It tells me that I should bake cookies and put up Christmas lights. I should get the perfect gifts for my kids’ teachers, crossing guards, and coaches (not to mention friends and family). I should decorate the house and create a warm, cozy environment. I should write the perfect holiday letter and take the perfect holiday photo. I should catch up with all my long lost friends who send those same perfect letters and photos to me. I should record all these fantastic moments for eternity with pictures and videos. And I MUST do it all in precious Christmas sweaters.
I’m exhausted just thinking about it all. I am paralyzed by the sheer volume of things that need to be done. What am I doing to myself? To my family? This is Christmas, not the Mommy Olympics. Although sometimes it feels like it, there is no one watching my every move and waiting to give me a score, The loud echo of The Should doesn’t have to govern my actions and attitudes
No more! I am a smart, successful woman. I have the power and ability to overcome the lure of The Should and start enjoying the winter wonderland along with the best of them. From now on, I will listen to a new voice in my head. One that is a little more gentle, a little more wise and a lot more sane. I will call this my Maya Angelou voice. She sits on a windowsill in my mind waiting to comfort me with a smile and a nod. When I feel the urge to deck something other than the halls, I will hear her say to me in her warm, buttery voice,
“It’s ok to say no. You don’t need to attend all those parties and volunteer for every activity.”
“Put your feet up and take care of you for a change. When’s the last time you had some peace and quiet?”
“You are not alone. Just about everyone gets stressed around the holidays.”
“Be creative. There is not one right way to do everything. Revel in your unique approach.”
“Work smarter, not harder. Figure out what you’re not great at and let someone who is lend you a hand.”
“Enjoy the little moments. You will one day miss the way your child furrows her brow when writing to Santa.”
“Be gentle with yourself and with others. That is a gift worth giving.”
My inner Angelou. She makes me feel better already. There’s one problem with my plan. The Should won’t go away easily. It’s comfortable in my head. It’s been there for a long time and if I’m not careful, it will choke out Maya at the first sign of stress. I’ve got to think up a way to take that annoyingly persistent whine out of my head before it ruins yet another Christmas.
An epiphany! I know what I will do. I will order the Talking Gnome. I can give my Should another home and this time, instead of sounding like me, it will have a “silly gnome accent”. Maybe that Gnome really will make my life easier, after all.
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Why I Love Christmas in Florida
OK - so I was going to write this a few days ago, BEFORE the so'easter from hell blew through and brought with it the sub-zero temperatures. So, just for fun, let's pretend I wrote this 3 days ago, when it was 85 degrees and sunny...
I love Christmas (and Winter) in Florida, and in Tampa especially. I love it that when my alarm goes off, it happens to be when the DJ is usually giving the day's weather forecast. I love it when, day after day after day, the DJ says "man, it's going to be another unseasonably warm day, sunny with highs up to 85 degrees." (This DJ always follows the weather with Britney news, which I also love. Really - how can you not feel better about yourself after listening to what other trouble this train wreck has gotten into this time?) I love that yesterday (no - really yesterday, not yesterday 3 days ago...) we spent a large bulk of the day in the pool. I love that most days, my biggest fashion decision is which pair of flip flops to wear. I love palm trees with Christmas lights on them. I love that some of my friends send cheery photos of themselves in their yard in the SNOW, and I think "cute - but you can HAVE that." I love it that I can flip back and forth between NFL games on TV, and in Tampa (GO BUCS!) the cheerleaders are practically wearing bathing suits, while in Buffalo (sorry Nancy), it is snowing so freakin' hard that you can't really even see the game, and the cheerleaders are ice sculptures.
One of my bestest friends put it very well a few months back. I sent out an email to my pals, seeking vacation suggestions. I said that we'd like somewhere warm and tropical, with great beaches, fun drinks, and great seafood. By friend sent back a simple email that said "Ummmmmm...don't you live somewhere like that?" And she's sooooooo right. Tampa rocks - the 3 months of searing makes-hell-look-comfortable heat in the summer is worth it to get the other 9 months of super-fantastic-paradise.
Cheers - I'm going flip flop shopping...
I love Christmas (and Winter) in Florida, and in Tampa especially. I love it that when my alarm goes off, it happens to be when the DJ is usually giving the day's weather forecast. I love it when, day after day after day, the DJ says "man, it's going to be another unseasonably warm day, sunny with highs up to 85 degrees." (This DJ always follows the weather with Britney news, which I also love. Really - how can you not feel better about yourself after listening to what other trouble this train wreck has gotten into this time?) I love that yesterday (no - really yesterday, not yesterday 3 days ago...) we spent a large bulk of the day in the pool. I love that most days, my biggest fashion decision is which pair of flip flops to wear. I love palm trees with Christmas lights on them. I love that some of my friends send cheery photos of themselves in their yard in the SNOW, and I think "cute - but you can HAVE that." I love it that I can flip back and forth between NFL games on TV, and in Tampa (GO BUCS!) the cheerleaders are practically wearing bathing suits, while in Buffalo (sorry Nancy), it is snowing so freakin' hard that you can't really even see the game, and the cheerleaders are ice sculptures.
One of my bestest friends put it very well a few months back. I sent out an email to my pals, seeking vacation suggestions. I said that we'd like somewhere warm and tropical, with great beaches, fun drinks, and great seafood. By friend sent back a simple email that said "Ummmmmm...don't you live somewhere like that?" And she's sooooooo right. Tampa rocks - the 3 months of searing makes-hell-look-comfortable heat in the summer is worth it to get the other 9 months of super-fantastic-paradise.
Cheers - I'm going flip flop shopping...
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
I just want to thank the Academy...
No, seriously...but I do want to say "HI!!!" to the 3 whole people that actually waste otherwise productive time by reading this blog! Hello A, N, & S - you know who you are! Thanks for telling me I make you laugh! And that I should be a writer! And that you're gald we're friends again!
(Or, in the words of my drunk-ass self at a holiday party last week: "I love you man!")
(Or, in the words of my drunk-ass self at a holiday party last week: "I love you man!")
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Where are all the REAL "Christmas Classics"???
OK - I'll admit it. This time of year, I like a good Do You Hear What I Hear by Vanessa Williams, or anything Christmasy by Nat King Cole or Bing Crosby. Truth be said, I L-O-V-E anything Christmasy by Harry Connick Jr., and anything rockin' by Transiberian Orchestra. My daughter's new favorite is "Last Christmas" by perennial favorite WHAM! And Mariah Carey put out a great Christmas album back before she became "Mi Mi" and purchased larger boobs and an extensive collection of skin-tight mini-dresses. But I digress...
Driving around Tampa, you can tune in to 94.9 FM and hear all-Christmas-all-the-time. So, in the spirit of things, I tune in. But it's Dec, 9th. I've been listening for 2 weeks. I hear LOTS of Winter Wonderland, and White Christmas, and Chestnuts Roasting on a Open Fire and Silent Night. I hear multiple versions of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Jingle Bells and O Holy Night. I hear Frosty the Snowman and Silver Bells and Joy to the World. I'm pretty sure most everyone could agree that these all qualify as bonafide "Christmas Classics", yes?
But what I want to know is : Where are all the REAL Christmas Classics? Where are all of the super great, super funny songs that we children of the 70's and 80's grew up with? Where's Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer? Where's The 12 Pains of Christmas? ("The Lights! Why are they blinking?" you guys remember that one?) What about Women's Underwear? (sung to the tune of Winter Wonderland: "walking round in women's underwear...") Where's Jingle Bells barked by dogs? Where's all the GREAT stuff by Adam Sandler and Weird Al Yankovich?
These are the silly songs I really miss hearing. Has the world become so possessed by the Politically Correctness Police that these songs aren't allowed to be played anymore? I really hope not. Maybe that's why so many people get depressed this time of year - they don't get a chance to hear these silly-ass songs and LAUGH. I mean, who doesn't love to hear Jingle Bells "sung" by dogs? And most of us can relate to The 12 Pains of Christmas - the lights, the in-laws, the crying kids. It makes us fell better to know we're not the only ones who feel that way.
If I can ever figure out how to hook up a $#*&%@ link in these things, I'll post some of MY favorite Christmas Classics. In the meantime, find the website for your town's all-holiday-music radio station, and barrage them with emails. Power to the People - Damn the Man!
On a slightly related note...have you noticed that the ONLY Christmas cartoon special that have survived the times are the ones made in the late 60's and early 70's? What do you see every year: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, narrated by Burl Ives, aka the snowman. Frosty the Snowman. Of course, The Grinch. A Charlie brown Christmas. Last time I checked, there's no annual re-playing of the Spongebob Christmas Special. No Flintstone Christmas story. No South Park Kenny-comes-back-to-life-it's-a-Christmas-miracle show. Not even Mickey Mouse or Bugs Bunny have made the cut. The lesson here? In the words of Fillmore (George Carlin) from the Pixar movie Cars: "Respect the classics, man!"
Driving around Tampa, you can tune in to 94.9 FM and hear all-Christmas-all-the-time. So, in the spirit of things, I tune in. But it's Dec, 9th. I've been listening for 2 weeks. I hear LOTS of Winter Wonderland, and White Christmas, and Chestnuts Roasting on a Open Fire and Silent Night. I hear multiple versions of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Jingle Bells and O Holy Night. I hear Frosty the Snowman and Silver Bells and Joy to the World. I'm pretty sure most everyone could agree that these all qualify as bonafide "Christmas Classics", yes?
But what I want to know is : Where are all the REAL Christmas Classics? Where are all of the super great, super funny songs that we children of the 70's and 80's grew up with? Where's Grandma Got Runover By A Reindeer? Where's The 12 Pains of Christmas? ("The Lights! Why are they blinking?" you guys remember that one?) What about Women's Underwear? (sung to the tune of Winter Wonderland: "walking round in women's underwear...") Where's Jingle Bells barked by dogs? Where's all the GREAT stuff by Adam Sandler and Weird Al Yankovich?
These are the silly songs I really miss hearing. Has the world become so possessed by the Politically Correctness Police that these songs aren't allowed to be played anymore? I really hope not. Maybe that's why so many people get depressed this time of year - they don't get a chance to hear these silly-ass songs and LAUGH. I mean, who doesn't love to hear Jingle Bells "sung" by dogs? And most of us can relate to The 12 Pains of Christmas - the lights, the in-laws, the crying kids. It makes us fell better to know we're not the only ones who feel that way.
If I can ever figure out how to hook up a $#*&%@ link in these things, I'll post some of MY favorite Christmas Classics. In the meantime, find the website for your town's all-holiday-music radio station, and barrage them with emails. Power to the People - Damn the Man!
On a slightly related note...have you noticed that the ONLY Christmas cartoon special that have survived the times are the ones made in the late 60's and early 70's? What do you see every year: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, narrated by Burl Ives, aka the snowman. Frosty the Snowman. Of course, The Grinch. A Charlie brown Christmas. Last time I checked, there's no annual re-playing of the Spongebob Christmas Special. No Flintstone Christmas story. No South Park Kenny-comes-back-to-life-it's-a-Christmas-miracle show. Not even Mickey Mouse or Bugs Bunny have made the cut. The lesson here? In the words of Fillmore (George Carlin) from the Pixar movie Cars: "Respect the classics, man!"
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Why I Love an Elf...
It's really all about FEAR. You know, that terrifying fear that if you misbehaved between Thanksgiving and Christmas, that all you would get for Christmas from Santa would be a stocking full of coal and a bundle of sticks. I had that Fear. Most of you had that Fear. But my kids? NO FREAKING FEAR. They must think that they are totally exempt from the Fear. Or maybe they just already have too much stuff that they don't even care. Who knows. The lack of the Fear, though, has been resulting in some really nasty, unruly behavior out of my two little offspring, usually towards each other. I threatened to call Santa - that worked last year. I threatened to call Christmas off - they didn't buy it. That's when I found out about The Elf.
My friend (one of the ones who's abandoned me to go back to work - see earlier post) happens to be working at a toy store. She told me about The Elf on the Shelf, and I had her get me one. Let me just TELL YOU that the Elf is a bonafide MIRACLE WORKER. I do believe in Christmas miracles now, thanks to the Elf. Here's how it works: you get the Elf and it comes with a book. The book basically explains how this Elf is here to spy on you and report your doings to Santa. You have to give your Elf a name, and then he flies back to the North Pole each night to report to Santa. Each morning, he reappears in a different spot. The only rule? You can't touch him, because he'll lose his magic if you do. You register your Elf's name, and then you can get a letter from Santa about your Elf's adoption, and even an adoption certificate. Our little Elf - Giggles - has brought back the Fear. Since he arrived yesterday, the kids have been saying "please" and "thank you". They have helped clear their dishes. They have gotten baths without complaint. They have even played a game together right in front of Giggles so they could make sure he saw them. Upon waking this morning, Karlin was shocked and amazed that Giggles was out of the box, and that he had moved to the Christmas Card holder. Chase is a little more skeptical because "well - he has a face like a TOY", but he's going along with it because Karlin is.
The Elf now rules the roost. If you have kids, you have GOT to get one of these. Check it out at www.elfontheshelf.com. Now if only I could find some way to manipulate the husband and the dog...
Happy Holidays!
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