Goodbye, Evel Knieval

Goodbye Evel Knieval - died today at age 69. I feel like a part of my childhood died today. I loved Evel. How many Friday nights did my family gather around the TV to watch that crazy bastard try to jump over something else? In his sparkling red, white, and blue outfit, Evel was a hero. How many of us almost killed ourselves trying to jump our bikes over stuff? How many of us "played" Evel Knieval on the playground? How many of us had the Evil Knieval action figure and poster? Probably too many to even count.

Fly on Evel - may there be many rocket-powered motorcycles wherever you are.

It's begining to look a lot like Christmas... has exploded in my dining room

My husband has a broken foot. This means nothing to you really, but effects me in some really profound ways. Like driving. I had to drive the entire 11 hours home on Sunday (normally a 7 1/2 hour trip.) And I had to climb up into the attic to get down the Christmas stuff (thank God no one was around to see me haul my fat ass up on top of my truck, then pull the same fat ass up into the attic). This was a real eye-opening experience for me. I had NO IDEA we have so much - as we've dubbed it - "Christmas shit." 10 bins, 2 boxes, 1 tree stand, 1 light up dolphin, a giant bag of wreaths, and an 6-foot artificial tree. AND I went yesterday and bought MORE. Because we have a third tree now (I'll explain that in a minute) and a new pool lanai (a hidden expense of putting in a pool - you must decorate the sucker for the holidays).

Tree #1: live tree, usually ungodly expensive. Preferred tree type: Noble Fir. Noble Firs are notoriously difficult to find in Florida. Preferred tree shape: big and fat - I relate to them better. As a kid, we had pets, so we always had the "fake" tree. It was a great fake tree, but once I was all grown-up, I decided it was real trees from now on.

Tree #2: when we lived in Georgia, our family room was at the back of the house. (It's the same deal in our house now - family room to the back, but dining room up front.) I decided that we needed a tree to be seen from the street. I also wanted what I call a "pretty tree" - something color-coordinated that I could could put special ornaments on. So I bought the 6-foot artificial tree mentioned above. I put this tree in front of the big window in the dining room each year. It has red and gold ornaments and perfect little twinkling white lights and is my closest rendition of a "Southern Living" tree. I love this tree. I won't get rid of it, even though when it's in the dining room you can't pull the chairs out from the table because there's not enough room.

Tree #3: the newest member of the family. We put a pool in this year, and with it a screened lanai. Of course I have to decorate it. So my sister and I were out yard-saling in October, and this one house had an artificial tree - 7 feet I think - in a storage bin for $10. I mean really, how could I pass up that bargain? So I brought it home and put it in the garage (along with the leopard print storage ottoman that I got for $5, but that's another story...) I don't really know what it looks like yet, but I'm hoping to put it together today. We're going to hang white lights around the top of the lanai (Target - $16), and put blue and white lights on the tree (Target - $6). I had to also buy little adhesivey clips to attach the lights with (Target - $9.98), and 2 new extension cords (Target - $10). Once I get it up, I plan to decorate it with the tropical sea life ornaments I bought on Ebay ($22), and homemade seashell ornaments my daughter and I hope to make (clay - $6; seashell mold - $5; paints - $3.) I think I also have some tropical fish ornaments that someone gave me last year. It's going to be fabulous, as long as foot-boy doesn't figure out how much I spent.

In the meantime, though - Christmas has thrown up in my dining room. It's full of bins, boxes, trees, along with Christmas gifts (wrapped and unwrapped), and my scrapbooking stuff it buried under there too. If you don't hear from me in a week, send for help...

Why I Hate The Mall: Obesity, Mu-Mus, and the Language Barrier

OK - I made the H-U-G-E mistake of trying to sneak in some holiday shopping time at the Mall before the big rush. Apparently, everyone else on the planet had the same idea I did. I hate the mall.

Even though I hate the Mall, it does sometimes make me feel better about myself. I'm not skinny-minny. According to my doctor, I am about 45 pounds overweight, and my BMI indicates that I am technically "obese." But I consider myself just a little bit too big - about average I guess. I am proud to say that - outside of pregnancy - I weigh the same that I did 7 years ago, before kids. I'm not any smaller, but hey - I'm not any bigger either. I think there's something to be said for that. And I still fight the good fight (most of the time.) I can swim 2 miles non-stop. I can run 4 miles at just over a 10-minute mile pace. I would say that puts me ahead of most average people fitness wise.

So back to why the mall makes me feel better about myself. The mall - like Disney World - is where you get the chance to see some of the worst America has to offer. I mean, you will occasionally see the stick-thin girl with the $300 highlights clicking into Ann Taylor on her 4 inch Jimmy Choos. But for the most part, you see really large, really unhealthy overweight people. I don't have anything against being overweight. I AM overweight. But when you walk through the mall, you see SO MUCH of the following: Caucasian woman, probably 35-ish, wearing a yellow t-shirt that is so tight it shows 4 or more rolls of fat. She also has on a pair of $5.99 Wal-Mart capri pants that are literally about to split at the seams. (For goodness sakes - cheap clothes just aren't made for that level of abuse!) She is so heavy that she looks like she's having trouble putting one foot in front of the other. The has her hair in a bun, no make-up and no jewelry. She is eating a extremely large pretzel covered with some sort of stuff that is supposed to resemble cheese. Behind her are 2 extremely overweight kids, age 9 and 5. They are also schlumping along with a lot of effort while they eat their oversize cookies from the Great American Cookie Company. They are walking outside so mom can - you guessed it - light up a cigarette. I literally saw DOZENS of scenarios just like this one today, and it makes me sad. You're already unhealthy, and you're compounding it by SMOKING? And in front of the kids, no less, who are also unhealthy thanks to you. As I mom, I realize that I am fully and 100% responsible for doing what I can to raise my kids healthier than I am. You won't find chips or cheetos or pop-tarts or cookies in my house. The kids aren't allowed sodas. If they grow up fat, it will be MY FAULT, so I'm trying so very hard to teach them the right things, and to set a decent example for them. But the large, large number of large, large people is alarming. And it's not necessarily a weight thing - it's a health thing and a presentation thing. I mean, lots of people are overweight, but present themselves well. Just look at celebrities like Oprah, Sarah Ramirez, America Ferrera, and Queen Latifah. Not skinny by any means of the imagination, but still gorgeous. The whole thing just boggles my mind (and this all was so much more eloquent when I composed it in my head at the mall...) Anyway - I look around at the people at the mall and think "You know what? I'm OK. I'm doing OK, and I'm teaching my kids to be and do better than OK." And that makes me feel a little better.

Mu-Mus. I don't even know if that's how you spell it. That's probably not even what they are called, but that's what they look like. Mu-Mus. I am referring to the god-awful, busy-printed, flowing smock-like things that are all the rage in the stores right now. NO ONE LOOKS GOOD IN THESE THINGS. If you are thin, you look like you were just swallowed up by a giant bag of red and purple faux-satin. And if you're not thin, you're going to look even bigger in these things. (Trust me on this - I have first-hand experience.) Not preggers? People will think you are in these things. I don't care if they are supposed to be worn as dresses or with leggings or with jeans - they are hideous and they have got to go.

The Language Barrier. I am all for cultural diversity. Really. But how weird is it to be standing in a suburban mall in mainstream America, and no one - I mean no one - within earshot is speaking English? At one point in JCPenney's, I actually thought there might be a Brazilian tour group in the store. (Former Orlando theme park workers will especially appreciate that reference...) I think it's great to speak 2 languages. I hope to learn Spanish myself. However, I am fairly certain that I heard more English spoken in Mexico the last time I was there than I heard in the mall today. Not to go all Bill-O'Reilly-Culture-Warrior-ish on you, but is this Country turning from a "melting pot" into black bean soup?

Food for thought....(ha ha ha - excuse the pun there.)

T-Shirts Say The Funniest Things...

Since my last blog was basically a big rant session, I decided to supply a little comic relief. (Ignore this statement if my rant WAS your comic relief...)

Is anyone else getting - literally - 10-12 catalogs a day in the mail? This is the price you pay for doing your Christmas shopping on-line. Anyway, I was thumbing through one of the catalogs, and it had the funniest t-shirts in it. I don't know if I'd actually wear any of these - OK, maybe I would - but I wanted to share some of the better t-shirt sayings (typed as they are shown in the catalog):

• what i really need are minions
• Sometimes I wonder..."Why is That Frisbee Getting Bigger?"...and then it hits me.
• My hockey mom can beat up your soccer mom
• Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons...for you are crunchy and good with ketchup!
• Honorary Ooompa Loompa
• Life is way too short to cook for you people.
• Am I getting older, or is the supermarket playing really great music? (laughed out loud at that one, 'cause it's so true...)
• Some days, it's not even worth chewing on the restraints.
• Are you a side effect of my medication?
• National Sarcasm Society. Like we need your support. (another good laugh at that one.)
• Don't Make Me Poison Your Dinner (on an apron)
• If you met my family, you'd understand.
• What part of MOOOOOAHAAHAHAHA don't you understand? (say it out loud, then you'll get it)
• It's not nice to laugh at other people. It's just fun.
• Do you know the Muffin Man?
• Mom. Dad. I'm Gaelic. (b-i-g laugh at that one)
• They say I have A.D.D. but they just don't understand. Oh look! A chicken!
• My Indian Name is Runs With Beer (I may buy this one)
• i have no idea what i am doing out of bed
• Shalom, ya'll (on a welcome mat)
• Vader was Framed
• Crap. Crap I say.

And the piece de resistance - the Hillary Clinton nutcracker! That's right, folks, you put the nut in between her legs and "crack!"

In the event you are interested, the address is http://www.whatonearthcatalog.com/. Happy shopping.

I suck at being a Homeroom Mom...

Yes - it's true. Much to the shock and dismay of all of you out there who buy into this whole "I'm supermom" thing...I suck at it. Big time.

It started today with a sore throat and an off-and-on low grade fever. So right off the bat I'm crankier and less-tolerant than usual. Throw in one super-high-maintenance son, and we're off to the races. I went in to help Karlin's class with reading today, even though I feel pretty crappy. (I had not had a fever at that point, so felt that the whole contagiousness risk was minimal.) The kids love seeing me, and I feel as if I might be contributing to the future success of the human race, seeing as the stupid people are rapidly outnumbering the smart people. Anything I can do to change the tide just might be a good thing. So I go in and help with reading. I make it through, but decide that I am unable to haul my increasingly tantrum-prone son to the grocery store. We have no food in the house. I mean no food - no milk, no bread, no cereal - staples of life with kids. Chase and I practically ate Popsicles and butter for lunch. Anyway...there's no working out today either, cause I feel crappy.

Karlin comes home with the normal, weekly newsletter from the teacher. The newsletter makes a note that the class will be "making sun catchers this week." Shit. The teacher sent home 22 sun catcher frames and 6 pieces of tissue paper last week and asked me - as a homeroom mom - to have them put together and back to the class by today. Shit. Now normally, this would not be a hugely catastrophic event. But this isn't the first time it has happened. The week I was in Vegas, Bart forgot to send in apples that the teacher requested. Clearly not my fault, but still... Then there was the $4.00 for the Reading supplement magazines. I forgot that too, until 2 days later. I think there was one other thing too, but my fever is on-again and I can't (HA) can't remember. (wait - I need to compose myself after that one...

In an attempt to fix my problem, I even bought this nifty cool Family Planning calendar. (It sounds like some sort of birth control or ovulation tracker, I know, but it's not...it had cutesy little cartoon characters on it, and comes with cool little stickers that say things like "school event" and "meeting" and "practice".) I also have my standard day planner, which seemed to serve me well as a working professional, but falls short in my mush-headed mommy life.

So, in the midst of frantically stapling tissue paper to construction paper frames, I stop to check my email and receive notification of the School Advisory Council meeting today at 4:30. (I'm on the School Advisory Council at Deer Park Elementary.) Shit. Meeting? What meeting? I missed it. This particular situation has been somewhat vindicated since I started typing this blog. I emailed the Council members asking if an email had been sent out, and letting them know I had no idea that there was a meeting today. Another member emailed us all to, saying "Ditto" to my email. So he email made me think that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't entirely losing my mind. I went to my Day Planner: no notation of a meeting. I checked my email: no notification of a meeting. I checked my notes from the last meeting - ah HA! The meeting was scheduled for Nov. 27th!!! Vengance is mine!!!

Shortly after more-or-less resloving that situation, I checked my messages. My co-Brownie Troop leader wanted to make sure: 1. we were still going skating tomorrow night (shit - skating?) and 2. I was still going to be able to attend the Girl Scout Area Meeting Wednesday night. Shit again. Needless to say, I had forgotten that our troop was joining the rest of West Central Florida Council for roller skating tomorrow night. I had also forgotten (even though this is in my Day Planner) that I was supposed to go to a meeting Wednesday night, so I gave Bart the all-clear for an overnight business trip that day.

In the middle of all of this, I also got an email from my co-homeroom moms, letting me know that I am personally financing approximately 1/3 of the class's Thanksgiving Feast on Friday, including sliced Deli turkey, 20 water bottles, 20 juice boxes, 1 can of whipped cream, 1 box of ginger snaps, 10 1-quart zip lock bags, and possibly ginger. Huh?

Oh - and I am supposed to be having my girls over Thursday night for some fun and liquid therapy. Meaning I'll likely be hungover for the "Feast" on Friday. Not to mention I'll probably have to feed the poor gals Popsicles and butter with their tequila.

I feel like the Pig whose brain is out and asking for a cold one. (see comic below)

So the next time you see me, expect me to be wearing the banner of my new title: "Mrs. Sucky Homeroom Mom 2007".

POST SCRIPT: After I finished writing this blog, I went downstairs to finish stapling the 22 sun catchers. I assumed that the frames were all cut from the same template, so I picked one up and traced my tissue paper squares from it, then cut out the squares. Alas - only a few of the frames were that size...most were larger, meaning my tissue paper squares were too small. I had to scrounge up tissue paper in colors close to the ones the teacher sent, then I had to smooth the tissue paper out, then I had to re-do about half of the sun catchers. Oh. My. God.

Galaga Never Changes

All my friends are going back to work. OK, not ALL of them. Some of them never left work. Some of them still have little kids. But a LOT of them are going back to work, and leaving me.

When I first moved to Tampa, I had the great fortune of lucking into a "playgroup" that was just starting up. This group of fabulous women have become like sisters to me. They make me laugh. They make me have fun. They make me realize that I am NOT insane. Or at least that I'm not insane by myself. They take my money (Bunco bastards.) This "playgroup" that originally started as a way for our CHILDREN to interact has actually become a way for ME to interact. And now...they are going back to work. Two of them moved away. :( One is back at work full-time. Two are now working part-time. One has her kids in school full time now, and she's the community super volunteer - she's busier than most people I know that have paying jobs. Anywho, all of this has made me think about about my social circle.

Before you have kids, you have friends. Then you have kids, and suddenly most of those friends don't really want to hang out with you anymore. It must have something to do with the fact that the non-kid-ers are not at all interested or fascinated by how many poopies your kid had today, or the debate over which kind of diaper you use, or your bitching because your husband bought the wrong kind of strained peas - again. So, you eventually lose touch with some of those friends. Other hang tough, and one day will tell you wonderful things like how you are the "rock start example of parenting because you get a babysitter and still party" and how you "haven't changed one bit in 6 years". I love those friends. However, in light of your new, baby-obsessed station in life, you tend to gravitate to other people in your same situation (known jokingly as "mush-headed mommies".) These people watch your kids for you when you have had ENOUGH. They take you to Orlando and Sand Key and get you drunk. (Like THAT'S hard - the drunk part, I mean...) They call when they haven't seen you for a few days to make sure you are OK. They send you emails when there are going to be good yard sales. I love those friends too. But now they are leaving me.

Don't get me wrong. I get the whole miss-being-a-grown-up thing: real clothes, grown-ups to talk to, lunches at places where there are no play areas, adult validation. I also get the whole I'd-really-like-a-little-more-dough thing: vacations, real clothes, pedicures, paying off some bills. I have basically built my entire day-to-day social structure on my stay-at-home mom friends, and now they are going back to work. And leaving me.

So it has dawned on me that in the very near future, I may have to re-build my social structure on something else. Maybe a hobby (I want to take golf lessons - any hobby where you get to drink beer and drive a golf cart has GOT to be a good thing.) Maybe work-related (if and when I go back to work.) This thought is scary to me. I don't like change very much. I like things to stay the same. But they never do, do they? I hope my sisters-in-insanity stay nearby - I think most for them will. I hope I get to spend more time with my non-kid-ers who have stuck with me. But it's still scary.

I wish I had some brilliant, appropriate quote to close this historic blog #2 with, but I don't. I'll just tell you that I had the BEST time today playing Galaga! Yes - the old-fashioned Galaga. They have one at this pizza place that we went to. Since it's such a lame game for kids nowadays (spoiled punks - they can't appreciate a great thing when they see it), I was the only one playing it. And I kicked ass! Level 27 - Almost 170,000 points. Some things change, but I guess some things do stay the same. Like Galaga.

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...

I'm a fan of "The Wizard of Oz", and I had to start somewhere, right? OK - So I consider myself to be relatively Internet and computer savvy. Less so since leaving the working world, but still...I can handle most normal tasks. So my friend Amy suggested I try blogging. I'm not sure why I'm blogging - maybe to see if I can? - or who on Earth will even want to read it, but here goes. I've only done the bare essentials on this blog page - give me a few days and I'll see if I can spice it up a bit. In any event, I feel like I'm heading down the yellow brick road of blogging. Three life lessons: Flying monkeys are bad, ignore the man behind the curtain, and if a house falls on your sister, she probably deserved it. Or in other words "Dear Auntie Em: hate Kansas, took the dog." Wish me luck...