The Progression of Insomnia

It's 11:25 pm.  Me:  "I have to get up at 5:30.  I should go to bed."

**  Goes to bed **

My brain:

"It's hot in here.  I wonder what the thermostat is set on.  Maybe I should go check.  No - I need to go to sleep."

"My feet are cold.  Should I get socks?"

"Did I close the garage door?  I think I closed the garage door.  Maybe I'll go check.  I'll check the garage door and the thermostat at the same time."

** Gets out of bed, goes downstairs, checks thermostat and garage door, both of which are fine.  Gets back in bed. **

"Damn.  I forgot to get socks.  I should get socks."

** 5 minutes passes **

"My feet are still cold.  I should have gotten socks. I don't feel like getting up again."

**  5 minutes passes.  Gets up and gets socks. **

"Did I take my medicine?  I think I did.  Crap - was the final payment due today?  No - I'm pretty sure it's Monday.  What was that noise?  Where is the dog?  It's probably Chase on his electronics.  I should go see."

** Gets out of bed and checks on son, who is soundly asleep.  Checks on dog, who is also soundly asleep. **

"Now my feet are hot.  Does Karlin have practice tomorrow?  Oh wait - that's Chase.  Who's driving?  Is it my turn to drive?  I haven't driven in awhile.  It's probably my turn.  Crap.  I forgot to go buy Puerto Rico donation supplies.  First aid kits, work gloves, wipes.  I wonder if Amazon Prime can get them here tomorrow? "

** Picks up phone to check Amazon.  Determines supplies can't get there in time. Checks Fantasy Football match-up while phone is out. **

"OK.  I can't sleep.  I should count something.  Breaths? Sheep? Maybe I should try sleeping somewhere else.  It IS really hot in here."

** Goes downstairs and gets in recliner. **

"OK - it's cooler down here.  And I can rock, so that's good."

** Rocks in recliner for 25 minutes.  Doesn't work. **

"Shit.  This isn't working.  I may as well go do something productive."

** Spends 30 minutes cleaning off desk. Goes back to bed. **

"It's now 2:37 am.  I have to get up in less than 3 hours.  This is going to SUCK."

**  Takes 1/2 of a Tylenol PM.  Falls asleep. **

5:35 am:  OMG THIS IS WHAT HELL FEELS LIKE.

Post-Hurricane Update: Out-of-the-Woods-Into-the-Frying-Pan Edition...

Post-Hurricane Update: Out-of-the-Woods-Into-the-Frying-Pan Edition...

So we've spent two days moving furniture back, un-taping window sills, and putting our daughter's loft bed back together. Lots of little debris and some fence boards down too.

But we made it through the woods! We're in the clear! Except...our AC just went out. Yes - that sizzling sound you hear is us baking.

"24 hour emergency service! No extra charge!" Except that the next tech isn't available until tomorrow at Noon. That sizzling sound you hear now is my temper fuming.

We've all been in very close quarters for 5 days, and I'm not gonna lie...THESE CHILDREN NEED TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL. I don't care if you shove them in the gym to watch movies, as long as they are separated from their siblings. Chase has played so many video games and watched so many movies that he literally lost track of a whole day.

Word is they aren't going back until Monday. That will be TWELVE DAYS HOME IN A ROW. If schools are 't open, the bars and wine shops better be, and fast. When does Busch Gardens open? Can we just drop them all off there? I'll pay extra if they will just open that park.

Continuing my my Irma-induced quest to decipher Jude Law (is he good? Is he evil?), I watched "Road to Perdition" last night. Terribly depressing movie, and did NOT clear up my Jude Law issues.

I finally got to watch NFL football last night. I think something is wrong with me, as I found myself screaming "Don't run the clock Minnesota! How in the he'll am I supposed to get points if you run the clock?!?"#FantasyFootballProblems

I suppose it could be worse. My friends were supposed to go to Bern's tonight for their 25th anniversary, but Bern's isn't back open yet. Our high school band director is stuck in traffic somewhere between here and Georgia. And although the AC is on the fritz, we DO HAVE POWER, so the wine fridge is okay.

Stay cool, ya'll!

Hurricane Update #4 - Wine, More Wine, Zombie Movies, and Fake News Edition:

Hurricane Update #4 - Wine, More Wine, Zombie Movies, and Fake News Edition:

Well. Here we are at Midnight and I have to say...watching "Shaun of the Dead" really puts the whole hurricane thing in perspective. I mean - we have it bad, but do we have it your-mom's-been-bitten-by-Zombies bad?

We had our first real hurricane impact in the form of a leaking French Door. Minor stuff - nothing that duct tape and a few towels can't fix.

Here's something of interest...we've had not one but two people reach out to us about the current conditions. When we say "It's stormy, but manageable" the people - both out of area - say something along the lines of "No - you're getting pummeled. I just saw it on TV.

Rest assured that - as of right now - we are snuggled up in the family room, with power and AC, sipping chilled wine and watching Shawn of the Dead. Yes - the tales of our demise may be greatly exaggerated for the sake of ratings. National television coverage of Hurricane Irma cannot be trusted.

For those of you that have asked...the loft bed window shield is holding up beautifully; we put the rugs away to just make it easier for George the Weimaraner; and we ate all of Aunt Karin's fabulous stew.

We're holding down the fort with chips, twizzlers, and fudge sticks, and a copious amount of wine.

Stay safe ya'll!

Hurricane Update #3: Sarcasm-More Wine-Weimaraner Edition...

Hurricane Update #3: Sarcasm-More Wine-Weimaraner Edition...

I'm pretty sure the dude with the walker in the beginning of "Office Space" moved faster than this storm. We've been sitting around all day waiting. The conditions here in Tampa have been - so far - less than what we get in your average Thunderstorm. We are very relieved but also bored. We're watching "Pitch Perfect."

You know where the "more wine" comes in. You're probably asking where the Weimaraner comes in. That would be George, my Weimaraner-puppy-nephew. George has declared an outright war on my rugs. I guess they say people (and dogs?) handle stress in different ways, but I'm not sure what trauma my rugs have inflicted on poor George. It's worth pointing out that George is an equal-opportunity rug hater. He hates my small kitchen rugs and my 5x7 area rug equally.

So - Hurricane Problems That You Never Thought Of #1...

Garbage cans. In your garage. I'm betting you have NO IDEA how bad your garbage cans smell until you move them inside the garage. Ours smell like a combination of dead fish, stale beer, and dog crap. We may have to sell our cars. Seriously. SO. BAD.

I'm a little bummed that Karlin's loft bed got ousted by the now widely-publicized Ping Pong Table, but hey - life lessons. I guess we need to step up our game next time. (See what I did there? Ha ha ha)

In the meantime, Aunt Karin brought a bunch more junk food, and made us a big crock pot of Beef Stew. We still have 9 bottles of wine, about 8 bags of chips, Goat cheese, salsa, cookies, twizzlers, Swedish fish, ice cream, and Pop Tarts. We're gooooooood...

I need to go hide the rugs....stay safe ya'll!

Hurricane Update #2: Sarcasm-and-Bailey's Edition...

Hurricane Update #2: Sarcasm-and-Bailey's Edition...

After staying up till 2 am watching worsening weather reports, I looked forward to the air-conditioned, oblivious sleep of sleeping late on a Sunday morning. But alas - it was not meant to be. I had 52 text messages before 7:35 am. Lord only knows what it will be like once we lose TV and have nothing else to do.

So we got up and started doing what most people do to prepare for a hurricane...Bart went to the gym, and I'm cleaning house. Because if the house comes crashing down, at least our toilets will be clean. A girl's got to have some standards, even in a storm, and clean toilets are my baseline.

It's raining a little here now, but that's about it. I'm going to dose up another cup of coffee and start bitching that I can't watch my fantasy players because of the 237 channels of Irma coverage.

(And yes - if you just said "Wait...what?" - you read that correctly. Bart is at the gym. Which is apparently open. In a hurricane.)

Stay safe ya'll!

Hurricane Irma Update, Sarcasm-and-Wine Edition

Hurricane update, sarcasm-and-wine edition:

We're pretty much screwed. Cat 4 headed straight for us.  We decided today to semi-board up the biggest upstairs window, but since plywood has been a rarity in Tampa since Tuesday, we boarded it up with parts of our daughter's loft bed. Not. Kidding. My kid's bed is now screwed to the outside of my house.

We broke the grill trying to move it into the garage. We ordered some critical supplies over a week ago, but Amazon & UPS failed us.  (If I find the UPS driver that has my combo solar-charging weather radio/flashlight/cell phone charger I'm going to kick his ass.)

After managing all the preparations we could this morning, we decided to get in the pool. We may be the first sunburned pre-hurricane victims in history.

The kids are great. Karlin's pretty pissed about her loft bed, but really - teenage drama.  Like she can't sleep normally with her mattress on the floor.  I took her to 7-11 for junk food to console her.  Apparently one loft bed is worth 2 bags of Swedish Fish and a Slurpee.  Who knew?

 Chase is SO EXCITED because there's a "hurricane event" in one of his video games.  Dude - I have got your "virtual reality" riiiiggght over here..."

We have plenty of food, water, and ice - so that's good. And wine, because apparently red wine is a great anecdote to panic attacks.

I'll be back tomorrow, probably not nearly as funny until I get the Baileys in my coffee. Until then, BE SAFE YA'LL!

#IrmaSucks #Irmageddon #HurricaneIrma