Monday, January 31, 2011

The Truth About Cats and Dogs

I have a dog and a cat. They are both weird. The dog might be crazy. Let me 'splain...

About 7 months ago, the dog saw a squirrel on the top of the pool screen enclosure. Admittedly, this is a rare occurrence, since we live in the burbs and there are not many mature trees in my hood. Anyway, he saw the squirrel, and a chase ensued. This resulted in the squirrel making a terrifying leap from the 2nd floor roof, across the fence, aiming for the tree. I don't think he made it, but we never found him, so who knows. We have not seen a squirrel since.

The problem is, the dog is still looking for the squirrel. He patrols that pool enclosure like it's Guantanamo, always on alert. We thought it was funny for awhile, but them it got annoying. He always wants to go out, but not to do his business. He just wants to run patrols.

Then, in recent weeks, he's started looking for the squirrel inside the house. He runs around looking at the ceiling and baseboards, hoping for a glimpse of his nemesis. It's really distracting to be trying to watch a movie while an 80 pound dog runs back and forth in front of you, looking over your heads.

We even bought a stuffed squirrel (it's really a koala, but looks enough like a squirrel), so that he could "catch" it and have some closure. We haven't used it yet, because we're worried it will make it worse. It will confirm in his squirrel-filled mind that - "A HA! See? There are squirrels! I knew it I knew it I knew it..."

Has the dog had some kind of psychotic break? Maybe. And we are 100% at a loss as to what to do.

Then there's the cat. I had never had a cat before this one, and I never intended to have one at all. But this one fell into my life when I worked at a vet clinic years ago. We have gone through alternate stages of he loves me - he hates me but loves Bart - he loves me because I'm pregnant - he loves Karlin - he hates Chase - he's on death's doorstep - he's Benjamin Button - and back to he loves me. The cat supposedly had cancer and 6 months to live. That way 5 years ago. He's healthier than ever.

He's 15 years old, and weird in his own ways. For example:

The cat is loud, and I don't mean meowing. The cat weighs about 4 pounds soaking wet, but when he runs down the hallway or up and down the stairs, it sounds like a herd of Buffalo. Seriously. One time my sister was staying over, babysitting the kids. She heard that buffalo-herd noise and jumped out of bed, worried that Chase had fallen down the stairs. It's that loud.

This cat also likes to have someone watch him eat. He will stand outside the laundry room door (where his food is), and meow furiously. You think he's out of food, so you go in there only to find that his food bowl is full. He just wants you to stand there and watch him eat.

He loves to hand out inside the pool screen enclosure (careful not to be stampeded by the Guantanamo Squirrel Patrol.) If Bart gets up in the morning and leaves for the gym or a run, he usually lets the cat out. If he forgets, or if it's too cold, the cat will raise holy hell, screeching like he's on fire.

The cat hates for Bart to read. It is the funniest thing I have ever seen. When Bart gets in bed with his book, the cat appears and immediately lays on the book. If Bart tries to move him or reposition, the cat will continue to head butt Bart and the book until he can wiggle himself back onto the pages. I can lay down next to him and read anything I want. It's only Bart who is not allowed to read.

Then there's the bedtime routine. Bart usually falls asleep first, while I am up reading or watching TV. The cat stays curled up at the bottom of the bed during this time, usually a little my side of center. Then i get up, turn out the lights, and get back in bed. By the time I'm next to the bed, he's already on his feet. I lay down on my right side, and then cat comes alongside me and head butts my hand. We do this for about a minute, then he turns around a lays down. He expects my hand to be on his tummy, and he will not settle down until things are to his liking. It is really bizarre - he's like a little old man who is stuck in his ways, and gets pissed off if you don't do things like he wants them done. I picture him a little like Walter Matthau in "Grumpy Old Men."

So we live with a psychotic, possibly hallucinating dog, and a bossy, cranky, exhibitionist cat. Funny? Yes. But also weird.

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