Guilty or Lazy?

So it's Thursday. Bart has been gone pretty much all week. I am working full-time for now, and I spend the bulk of my day with 5 year olds. Upon arriving home, my kids commence the 2010 Drama Extravaganza. There's whining. There's bickering. There's crankiness.

So I'm outside. By myself. Drinking a beer. Ok - 2 beers.

Am I lazy? 'Cause I'm feeling a little guilty. It's almost 7 pm and we haven't had dinner yet. (in all fairness, I asked the kids if they were hungry yet and they said no - they are playing with the neighborhood kids at the moment.) The pool deck is a disaster zone. I have some work to do, and the house is a wreck. And don't even get me started on the laundry.

So why exactly am I sitting outside, listening to the pool spillover, drinking a beer (or two), and wasting time on the computer? Dunno. Maybe I am lazy.

I don't know if I will employed past the end of the month, and I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. On the plus side: the extra money is nice. I like the school and I like the kids and I like my teachers. I mostly like the job (it's getting better now that the teachers are actually trusting me to do stuff with the kids.) It is kind of nice to be doing something every day that someone says "Hey - thanks for coming. How bout we give you a paycheck?" Bart thinks I am making the world a better place, but I think he's overestimating what I do. The commute rocks - .4 of a mile. I haven't had to get gas in weeks. The hours are the same as the kids are in school. This is great because I mostly don't have to worry about child care. But it sucks because it means I get no time to myself. Ever.

On the minus side? Note to the world: getting up to go to a job every day SUCKS. I got busted today for being 4 minutes late. I have spent the last 7 years bring my own boss, so I'm unaccustomed to being on someone else's schedule. That list of things you have to do - laundry, groceries, cooking, cleaning, etc. - it doesn't go away when you get a job. My house is a train wreck, which makes me a little stressed.

(this is the part where one might say - "Then damn girl, get off the computer and go get your shit done.")

I knew I would go back to work someday. But I tell you what - I guess I always thought giving up the freedom and the flexibility would be for a WHOLE LOT MORE MONEY. That cashier at the Girl Scout store? She makes $3 an hour more than I do. Hey - that Janitor at the City Park? Beats me by almost $2. I have a college degree, some post-grad study, 5+ years in educations/curriculum development, 5+ years in various communications and marketing roles, non-profit fundraising experience, and public speaking experience. It's a little hard to stomach the low pay. The full-time job I considered taking last year paid $47,000 MORE than the one I'm in now. Ouch.

You know another negative? I miss being able to spend time in my kid's classes. The reading, the helping with Fun Fridays, the crafts, the scrapbooks - I really miss that. Sure - I'm at the school. But I'm not as involved in the classroom as I have been in past years.

So say my position gets eliminated in 2 weeks - which there is at least a 50/50 chance of happening. Am I happy? Sad? Upset?

I honestly don't know. I have Mommy guilt because I'm not in the kid's classrooms, I'm way exhausted at the end of the day, and the house and laundry are a disaster.

And I miss the freedom. The leisure to go shopping when I want, or work on house projects, or exercise. I miss having lunch with Bart. I miss my girl's nights out, which I haven't been to lately because I have to get up for work the next day.

So I don't know. My perfect compromise would be part-time, but that's not likely to happen.

In the meantime, I sit. And drink beer. And wonder exactly why it's fair that the dumb bastards who created The Snuggie and Silly Bandz are laughing all the way to the bank.

The answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything? That would be 42.