Oops. I Did It Again.

I think I may be losing my mind. Or maybe it's just old age. Maybe both.

I am generally very organized, at least in my own way. I don't have a 'real job", so I make sure to try and be a present as I can with my kids. Not in an overwhelming sense, but enough to know what's going on, and enough that they know I'm interested.

Seems like I can't even do that right, though. Three times in the past 3 weeks, I have flat-out forgotten to do something that I said I would do. Once was a School Advisory Council Meeting. The original date got changed, and I knew that. But I didn't write it down anywhere, so I forgot to go to the new meeting time. The next two are really bad, because they are both times when I said I would help Chase's teacher. The first time, I just had the time wrong. She told me 10:00, and my fried little brain heard - and wrote down - 10:30. But today...I have no excuse. It's in my day Planner , which I check every Sunday night. It's on the wall calendar, which I quite literally walk past every single time I leave or enter the house. I just forgot.

In between trying to get the food ready for the School Carnival that's next week; trying to get everything ready for Chase's birthday party (in 4 days) - cake, gift bags, etc...; getting the house ready for family visiting (in 3 days); trying to get Girl Scout camps set up; trying to get the park reserved and activities set for the next Girl Scout Meeting (in 2 weeks); trying to get the Volunteers and signage all set for Chase's class booth at the School carnival; Ramping up my exercise program; trying to plan trips to North Carolina (in 2 1/2 weeks) and Mexico (in 4 months); trying to finish up Chase's 5 year scrapbook before his SIXTH birthday; trying to get Uniform sale information all ready for the PTA Board meeting next Monday; trying to beg volunteers to help cook burgers and dogs at the School Carnival; trying to find time to get my Mother-In-law a birthday gift; trying to find time to go get new running shoes; getting doughnuts for Karlin's class booth at the carnival; etc. All this on top of the mountains of laundry that I can never seem to get done; the dog washing and cleaning; the staying on the kids for homework/piano/horsebackriding; the everyday stuff - buying groceries, cooking and planning meals, packing lunches.

The point is, I am FAILING. The house is a wreck. I'm not getting stuff done. The stuff I AM getting done is sometimes half-ass. The kids are snotty and disrespectful, and to be quite honest, not much fun to be around lately. Everything costs too much. We follow up a long discussion about paying off bills with a $600 airline ticket purchase. My car may die at any moment. It is literally falling apart one piece at a time. Christmas stuff is still down. I have stuff that needs to be sold on Ebay. Furniture that needs to be sold on Craigs List. A bunkbed to find and purchase.

I'm just not doing too well. I feel like I am juggling 100 plates at once, and sooner than later one of those plates is gonna fall to the ground and shatter. And I'll try to catch it, which will cause me to drop them all.

Bart doesn't understand why I am constantly dreaming of leaving...to Mexico, to Key West, to anywhere. Home is work to me. Home is not fun, or relaxing. Home is a never-ending list of a million things that I have to get to that I will never finish. He sees a great pool in the backyard. When I look at the pool, what I see is the leaves in the bottom becuase the pool cleaner has been broken for 6 months; the hole ripped in the screen 4 1/2 months ago that still needs to be fixed; the pavers that need to be pressure-washed and sealed; the pavers that need to be re-sanded; the plants that need to be re-potted/fertilized/tended to in some way shape or form; the patio furniture that I started painting 2 months ago that I still haven't finished.

I could seriously go on and on and on. But I think you get the point.

How does everyone else do it? How do I start to relax and enjoy my life again? I don't even have any answers to that. Getting a job isn't the solution. All that will do is add to the list of things I have to get done, and minimize the time I have to do them. Then there's the guilt for bailing on the kids.

FAILING. How does one go to their happy place when there IS no happy place?