I Am A Prisoner In My Own Home

Let me tell you why I am a prisoner in my own home. It's the diet. The stupid, pain-in-the-ass, expensive diet that I hate. The stupid diet that my friend loves and has had so much success on. The stupid diet that I want to quit already, even though it's only been a week and a half. Is it the beer I miss? Bread? Cheese? Butter? Coffee? YES. But it's also because I feel like I can't even leave my own home. And if I stay home, the food comes here.

Have you ever thought how many social events in America revolve around food? Or have food as a major component? A friend emails you: "Lets' have lunch next week." Or your in-laws call and say "We'll pick up Chinese on the way over and we can all watch the game." Or you get "Let's have that meeting at so-and-so restaurant over dinner." It sucks. And I mean totally and completely sucks.

I can't go out to eat at a restaurant. I can't go to lunch. I have no desire to sit around and WATCH everyone else eating luscious Chinese food. I don't want to watch the game, because everyone else will be drinking ice cold beers and eating chips and queso. I go to the store, and what do I get? Hit in the face with the smell of fresh-baked break in from the bakery. I go for a walk/jog and what happens? My deep breaths inhale the scents of either the Italian Pasta place across the street, or the big fat burgers from the 5 Guys located behind my neighborhood. Go look on Facebook on a Saturday evening and see how many people are posting about FOOD. "Heading to the Seafood Festival - Yum!" "Getting food from our favorite take out!" "Grilling steaks for the game!"

This is miserable, and I mean want-to-break-into-tears-every-15-minutes miserable. The stupid shots aren't helping, and they won't give me the pills that are supposed to help because someone in the Healthcare System seems to think I'm about to have a heart attack. (But that's another story...a long one) I've lost 7.3 pounds, and most of you would probably be motivated by that. I'm not. What is 7.3 pounds to me? I don't look any different. My clothes don't fit any better. Not only do I not feel better, but I feel AWFUL. I don't have much energy to do anything. I can't even watch TV, because every commercial is about food. The doctor's office where I took my daughter today (swine flu negative, thank goodness) was next to an Outback Steakhouse. Talk about good smells.

And the bad news? It's not going to get any better. Not for months and months and months. There is quite literally no end in sight. I have more than 50 pounds to lose. 7.3 pounds is not even a dent in that. AND I still have to get through Halloween (no Resse's Peanut Butter Cups this year - my favorite), Thanksgiving (a pig-out festival if I've ever seen one), Christmas (pig-out round 2), and New Years. And think about all of the parties and events we all go to every year around Christmas time. I am never going to make it.

So where's the silver lining? There isn't one, and hubby doesn't seem to get that. Hubby who probably couldn't gain 5 pounds if I tied him to a chair and fed him Big Macs every 2 hours for a week. He says "You're healthier! You're making a major life change!" And I just want to beat him with something. None of that makes me feel better, not even a little.

Is it really worth it to "be healthier" and live longer if every stupid second you live you are miserable? And cranky? And irritated? And you start to hate your kids because they are eating ice cream and you can't have any?

I am pretty much about ready to quit. I hate this, and I don't really care if I'm fat. And who cares if I have a 12% higher chance of having a heart attack when 1 doctor thinks I already had one anyway? (back to that same long story) I can't even get drunk to escape my misery - no alcohol allowed. I can't sit on my lanai in the morning and drink a cup of coffee. I can't order pizza when I don't feel like cooking. I can't drink a beer and watch the football game. My whole life right now is a giant list of things I can't have and can't do.

And the Ice Cream Truck is cruising the neighborhood as I type this. GREAT. It's like the whole world is mocking me, I swear.