Spoiled Stay-At-Home-Moms, Campaign Calls, and Showing Your Butt in the WalMart

I've just had so much stuff rolling around in my head over the past few weeks, but no time to actually get it into words. So, bless your baby hearts, here goes....

Spoiled Stay-at-Home Moms
I have a good friend whose husband recently called her "spoiled" for being a full-time mom. Now, I don't know the context in which this was said, but I was offended for her and for all of us. Are we "blessed" to have the opportunity to have the choice to stay home with our kids? Absolutely. But spoiled? I don't think so. Just like any other jobs, this one has benefits and drawbacks. In a "real job", you get to wear nice clothes. In this job, you get to wear flip flops. In a "real job" you get to eat lunch out at restaurants. In this job, you get to take naps (sometimes.) In a "real job", you get regular reviews, evaluations, raises. In this job, you get to see your kids run carefree on the playground. Now - the other side. In a "real job", you work 40, maybe 50 hours a week. In this job, you work an average of 112 hours per week (16 hours a day times 7 days - 80 hours if you don't count the weekend.) And that's a generous estimate. In a "real job" you might get the chance to sleep peacefully in a hotel while away on a trip. In this job, you might get to sleep peacefully in a hotel once in a blue moon. If you get to go to a hotel at all, it's with the kids. I could go on like this forever, but I'll spare you. For any of you who are married to a full-time mom, are a full-time mom, know a full-time mom, or may one day be a full-time mom, know this: this is an excruciatingly difficult job. You run a household and all that entails. You are responsible for overseeing the growth of actual live human beings. Human beings that may one day grow up to cure cancer, or fly into space, or join the Taliban, or be a prostitute, depending largly on the upbringing you provide. It is a huge responsibility. It is the most catch-22 job I can imagine: so rewarding, so fun, and yet so mind-numbingly exhausting and disrespected. Spoiled we are not. So there.

Campaign Calls
I am a (gasp) registered Republican. I changed my allegiance from Democrat when we moved back to Florida. Basically, I got pissed off about having to pay so much in taxes to support so many other people's lazy asses and lack of personal responsibility. And then I stuck in line behind some chick at the grocery store using food stamps to buy cokes, snack cakes, ice cream, toys, and video games. I went and re-registered that very day. Now, as a Republican, I am apparently in great demand for the primary this Tuesday. I have been receiving phone calls from everyone. John McCain wants me to attend his town meeting. Rudy Giuliani is the Sept. 11th hero. Mitt Romney has 50 different people calling for him - he's very popular. Mike Huckabee disguises his calls in the form of a "poll." Yesterday, we got FOUR FREAKIN CALLS from The Romney campaign. Shouldn't someone realize that bugging me so many times a day, interrupting me and my family, and jamming up my voicemail inbox is no way to get my vote? Ron Paul is the only one who hasn't called, but I'm not voting for him anyway. But really - are most Americans so naive that they would or could be swayed by a recorded phone call? I'm not. I did my research. I found out where each candidate stands on the issues. I looked into their backgrounds. And I chose a candidate. No phone calls required.

Showing Your Butt in the WalMart
This falls well into the why-being-a-stay-at-home-mom-sucks-sometimes category. I recently read a book called "Waltzing at the Piggly Wiggly." (Great read, especially for anyone born and raised in the South, even better if you've ever shopped at a Piggly Wiggly.) Anyway, I should call my book "Showing Your Butt at the WalMart." This past Wednesday, my little man and I were in WalMart running a few errands. After getting most of my stuff, I took him back to sit on some bikes. (He's getting one for his birthday next month, and I needed to know what size bike to get him.) He sat on this bike, and then this one, and then that one. Then he looked towards the top of the display rack and said "You know - I don't really want a bike. What I want is one of those cars." You've seen these, right? Little automated vehicles that kids can ride around in. They come in all different types - from jeeps to Hummers - and are basically a giant indicator of the downfall American Society ( but that's another blog for another time...) I - of course - said "No - you can't get a car. We can't even fit your dad's car in the garage, so we're certainly not going to get you one. Let's go." Insert tantrum here. He began whining and crying and hanging off the shopping cart. I was trying to get to the front of the store as quickly as possible so that I could check out and get him the hell out of there. As we were walking, he was tantruming (new word for Webster's), and I was telling him that his behavior was unacceptable, and why. Then he looked at me and said "Hey mom - I pulled my pants down," and mooned his little booty right at me. At this point you have a few options. A) you can whip his spoiled little now-exposed butt right then and there. (this is actually my preferred choice.) But it's not PC to spank in public anymore. Someone might - seriously - call Child Protective Services on you. B) You can freak out and start yelling at him, threatening his entire world. (which does not work on 3 year olds. Ask anyone.) C) you can play it cool, calmly pull up his pants, grab his hand, and proceed to the checkout. I chose C. Of course, on the way, he told me (any everyone else in Walmart) that he hated me and wanted to go live with someone else. He then laid down in the aisle in front of the checkout and refused to get up. (The cashier was surprisingly humorous. When she saw how he was acting, she said "now you know why some animals eat their young." Funny!) Anyway, I left him in the aisle while people steered around him (yes - I am now "that mom" - that mom who you always see who looks to be 100% out of control and leaves you wondering why in the hell she is in the store with that rotten kid.) After paying, I picked him up and put him in the cart. This resulted in his screaming "No Cart! No Cart! No Cart!" at the top of his lungs all the way out to the car. Once strapped in, he proceeded to kick my seat and the car door the whole way home. I punished him by taking away something very precious to him (chocolate Pirate Coins). He didn't get them back until the next day after he had apologized to me AND after he agreed to share them with his sister.

You could not have convinced me in 1000 years that one day I would be standing in the WalMart with my son's ass staring me straight in the face. I used to be one of the people who stared at "that mom" and criticized her. I am particularly sensitive about how my kids affect other people - I've even left a full cart of groceries in the middle of the store to haul a screaming kid out. But what people without small kids don't know is this: it can go from 100% sunny to hurricane conditions in 10 seconds flat. REALLY. All is well, and then in the literal blink of an eye a meltdown has started. Sometime you can walk out of the store. But sometimes you can't. Because you promised the teacher that you would have the 18 cupcakes and 18 lollipops at the school by 2:00. Or the kid who is screaming has a 102 degree fever and you have got to get him that Tylenol. Or you are driving around half blind because your contacts are screwed up and you need those eye drops. Parenting is so unpredictable. Stuff happens. You never know how or when, but it does. All you can do is try your best to roll with the punches.

And remember not to show your butt at the WalMart.

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Today's blog is about a topic that has been gnawing at me for a few days. It has to do with hurt feelings, inclusiveness, and obligation. Or lack of any of those things. You see, I have this friend...

Here's your HYPOTHETICAL situation: Say you want to get a group of gal pals together for a weekend. This weekend is in celebration of a) one good friend coming back into town for the first time in 10 months to visit; b) someone's birthday; and c) just to get away from the husbands and kids for a few days. You want to go with the people you are closest to; those people who you know will not judge your potentially wild behavior. Those who will - more likely than not - get wild right alongside you. Then there's the chemistry. Any female that has been on a girl's trip knows how vital it is that the personalities on the trip mesh well. Women can be bitchy, cranky people. Sometimes we don't have a lot of tolerance for whiners, complainers, or people who generally have missed the point of the trip to begin with. There's also a space issue, as in if there are too many people along there won't be enough room for everyone to have a place to sleep. Now, I think most people know that I can still party with the best of them. But let's face it: I am too damned old to sleep on the floor or in the bathtub. I do not want to share a bed with 4 people, or have 14 people sharing 1 bathroom. At 37 years of age, these situations could be lethal.

Now, say in this HYPOTHETICAL situation that there are some gals who have attended other girl's weekends (inclusive to a specific organized group) that may not be invited to this one. Is that acceptable? What if these gals aren't particularly close to the people who are doing the organizing? You know them, and socialize with them, but wouldn't consider them among your closest friends. What if these gals have been on previous trips, but didn't quite fit the mix? What if these gals have been on previous trips, and straight-out pissed some people off? And - to complicate matters - what if having some people there would actually cause some other people - the people you really WANT to be there - to not come?

I have a good friend who has said in the past that life is just too damned short to ruin the few true leisure moments that we have with someone who, well, ruins it.

So do you forge ahead, invite who you want, and hope for the best? Or do you consider people's feelings in this, knowing full well that some people's feelings will be hurt? Or do you come right out and let everyone involved know that there is a specific thing going on, but there is not enough room for everyone, so the organizers will only be inviting their closest friends?

I guess I really thought at some point that I (we) would outgrow this sorority-type BS. Seriously, though...what would YOU do? I have tried to put myself on the other side of this. If 4-6 people that I socialize with went on a trip, and I wasn't invited, would I be upset? Probably not. Now if my closest friends went, that's another story.

And that opens yet another Pandora's Box of issues. What if some of the people who you consider only acquaintances view you as a closest friend? What then?

I believe that life is too short for all the BS. I also believe it's not nice to hurt people's feelings. I also believe that we get so little quality time with those that are closest to us. What's the answer?

Maybe I should start a new program: "WWBD - What Would Britney Do?" Then we'd have asolution. We could HIRE the acquaintances as personal assistants, then fire them. Then hire them again. Then fire them again. And to celebrate, we could run around town with a few of our closest friends, picking up a skanky photographer along the way, drink a lot of Starbucks, and make sure everyone knew we didn't have panties on. Oh...if only things were that simple....

Another hilarious "Pearls"...

OK - I just don't have the heart to take down the one I posted on the bottom. But today's was superb as well, so I'm putting it here.

I have so many friends with whom my friendships are like this. Most of them read this silly blog...ha ha ha (I'm the bird dropping one, by the way...)

Pearls Today...

Pearls Before Swine is pretty funny today - see below. (scroll waaaaaaaaaaay down to the bottom!)

Green Confusion

Everywhere you look: "Go Green!" "Save Our Planet!" "Al Gore is God!" I have always been environmentally conscious, but I am now a little confused.

On Oprah last week, one of the "go green" suggestions was "use only one napkin, or use cloth napkins." What's worse? Using a napkin made from a renewable resource, or using a cloth napkin that has to be washed in a limited resource (water)? Same deal with paper plates. Sure - they cut down trees to make paper plates. But trees can be re-planted, making it a renewable resource. Real dishes have to be washed in water (a non-renewable resource in a sense, because there is only so much water on the planet...we can re-use it, but we can't make more), with soap (which filters into the watershed) and usually hot water (which uses extra energy.) And the dishwasher uses electricity to run. And what if the napkins and paper plated you buy are made from recycled paper?

When we lived in Georgia, I used to get so frustrated because each year, I had to take my vehicle for an emissions test. Each personal vehicle had to go through one of these annually to make sure your emissions levels were within established guidelines. Why was that frustrating? Because commercial vehicles didn't have to go through the testing! So on the average day, you'd be sitting on the interstate (because no one ever actually MOVES on the interstates in Atlanta), with your vehicle sending out relatively clean and approved emissions, while you are surrounded by tractor-trailers spewing thick black smoke into the air. What is up with that?

My paper plate and napkin confusion continues with paper towels too. I love my paper towels. The thought of re-wiping stuff with a cloth towel gives me the heebie jeebies. And again, you have to wash that towel in water with soap using electricity.

They also say "use green cleaners." That's great, to an extent. I already do that -I mop my floors with vinegar and water. Ditto on washing the windows. I only wash my clothes in cold water. But come on - you really expect me to clean my toilets and bathroom sinks with something "natural"? I have 2 kids - I need to kill germs. Baking soda just isn't going to cut it!

I unplug things when they are not in use. When light bulbs burn out, I mostly replace them with CFLs. I recycle everything I can fit in those damned bins. All in an attempt to mitigate the carbon footprint caused by my SUV and my pool.

And now Oprah's guests say things like "buy used silverware", with the idea being that if you don't buy new silverware, they'll stop making it. HUH? And they said to buy your clothes at re-sale shops. If I buy my stuff on Ebay, does anyone really believe that Target will stop having the Chinese children make new clothing? And speaking of China, aren't they about to lap the US in terms of polluting the air via coal burning fuel?

It all just gives me a headache. The next thing you know, Sheryl Crow is going to tell me that I need to wipe my kid's nose with a re-sale handkerchief that has been woven from organic material by oppressed people in Africa.

And we're relatively comfortable financially. What about people who are really struggling? I'm willing to bet that a $7 bottle of Method cleaning solution isn't high on their priority lists, especially when you can get 409 for about $3.

Enough on the rant for now. I have to go pack up my environmentally unfriendly Christmas lights into my non-recycled plastic Rubbermaid bins. And feed my kid pre-packaged muffins on a paper plate.

New Year's Resolutions

I have this really great friend from Buffalo (well, actually I have several, and in my experience the Buffalo folks are really the greatest...) Anyway, I have this friend from Buffalo who has a unique approach to making her New Year's Resolutions. She makes bunches of them - like 50. She figures over the course of the year, she's bound to mark at least a few of them off her list, which will make her a success. (One of hers was "meet Wayne Gretzky", and I'll be damned if she didn't do it!)

The more I thought about this approach, the better I liked it. I mean - don't most of us give up on our resolutions before the end of the month, and then we feel all crappy and guilty because we didn't "lose 50 pounds" or "give up chocolate." So I decided to take a shot at my own big 'ole list.

The other night while watching TV, my kids saw some kids (on the TV) playing at a waterpark. They both said "We want to go there!" I produced my syrup stained, written-in-pencil, torn off a used finger painting pad list and said triumphantly "Ha! #29: Visit a waterpark!" Not too long after that, my husband got ahold of the list. He said "#37: see Jimmy Buffet in Concert. Gee - going way out on the whole New Year's self-improvement thing, aren't you? This isn't a resolution list - this is a Bucket List." (a reference to the new movie coming out starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman - a list of things to do before you kick the bucket, hence the name "Bucket List.")

It's not a Bucket List. A Bucket List wouldn't read "visit a waterpark". It would read "Go on Safari in Africa." A Bucket List wouldn't include "see Jimmy Buffet in concert", but it might include "have Cheeseburgers and Margaritas with Jimmy Buffet." Who says that resolutions have to be 100% about self-improvement? Shouldn't it be a list of things you'd like to accomplish in the new year, things you hope to do?

I mean, sure... #28 is "take an airboat tour", and #16 is "go camping." #34 is "park 2 cars in the garage" and #10 is "go canoeing." But you know what? #4 is "spend more time playing with my kids." #13 is "call my grandmother once a month." #8 is "get more involved in charitable endeavors." #36 is "teach Karlin to ride her bike without training wheels." #35 is "teach Chase to write his name." Is there some middle ground? Absolutely! How about #12 - "grow tomatoes and strawberries." Or #15 - "Go see sunsets at the beach." Or #27 - "see a Space Shuttle Launch."

I think that every year is a new chance. A new chance to take stock in where your life is, appreciate all that you have and all that you have accomplished. A chance to wipe the slate clean of your failures and disappointments. We are only here for so long, and we're all so damned busy. We should really make a point to list all the things we'd like to do, that we want to do, be it self-improvement or helping others or just having fun!

So I'm going to add to my not-a-bucket Resolution List for a few more days, and then I'm going to start knocking some of the things off the list. Hell - I started today. I blew off putting away Christmas ornaments to take Karlin outside on her bike. I signed up for the Iron Distance Challenge Progressive Triathlon (26.2 miles running, 112 miles biking, and 2 miles swimming over the course of 1 month) - that at least begins to tackle #5 "Get healthier."

Happy New Year ya'll! I hope that there are flip flops in your future (if you're somewhere cold), and good friends, family, and fun in the year ahead!

Note: apparently the word "ahold" - a solid and well-know phrase in the southern language - is not accepted by the blogger spellcheck. Ahold - a-h-o-l-d - as in " I reckon ya'll might want to get ahold of a dictionary."

Happy Frozen New Year

Can't blog. Not hungover. Just. Too. Cold. And. Brain. Is. Stunted. From. Lack. Of. Oxygen. Jeans. Too. Tight. Low. Of. 27 degrees. In. Tampa.

Sucks. Sucks. Sucks.