Let's Talk A Little About GUILT

I don't know if other people struggle with this. It's likely that they do. The single-most defining factor in my life right now is GUILT. I didn't kill anyone, or rob a bank. I wasn't mean to anyone. I didn't lie, or screw anyone over. It's not that kind of guilt. My guilt is bigger and heavier than that. Denser. It's guilt for choosing to purchase a business that I am struggling at. Guilt for over-estimating my own talents, skills, and abilities. Guilt for costing my family so much money. Guilt for not being able to contribute to the family financially AT ALL. Then there's the second layer of that same guilt. Guilt for not spending time with my kids. Guilt for being so stressed and tired ALL OF THE TIME. Guilt for not being present - as a mom, as a wife, as a friend, as a volunteer. I bought this business for a lot of reasons. After being a full-time mom for 8 years, I wanted something for me. I wanted to establish an identity for myself. I wanted to make some money for my family. It made a lot of sense at the time - I LOVE to travel, and I'm good at it when lots of other people come along with us on our trips. I'm detail oriented and conscientious and unfailingly honest. I either overestimated myself, or underestimated those around me. It's difficult not to look around me and try to figure out why so many people that I considered friends and family aren't supporting me. That's a major oversight. I assumed people I already knew would be my base, my kick-start. I assumed that people I knew would give me a chance. Needless to say, that didn't really materialize to the extent I thought it would. I am forced to build it on my own, from the ground up. Except that building is hard. Painfully, excruciatingly difficult. It sucks away your time and your money and your energy. It sucks away your self confidence and self worth. It leaves you mentally and emotionally exhausted. So when you hit that point, what can you do? Walk away? Walk away TO WHAT? Guilt overshadows everything I do every single second of the day. GUILT. FAILURE. STUPID. VAIN. SELFISH. I have dug myself into a hole that affects more than just me. I should be ashamed for not considering the fallout for the people around me...the people that mean the most to me. Guilt.

Can Women Have It "All"?

To begin this post, I will answer that question.

NO. No, we cannot.

The internet lately has been full of articles about the 2012 woman - she works, she parents, she plays, she volunteers. She seems to have it "all." But does she really, and can she? Is it even possible?

Well - yes. And no. She can have a little bit of it "all." But she can't have all of it "all". This is why:

I am a mom. For most of the last eight years, that has been my main job. The Mom job description involves a lot of things - cleaning, laundry, holiday preparation, birthday parties - you name it. Today's Mom is expected to be mega-involved in her child's school. So in addition to the normal Mom duties, she volunteers at school too. Homeroom mom, School Advisory Council, PTA. She helps out with auction baskets and Fun Fridays and banquets.

Now, eventually Mom wants to expand her horizons a bit. So she begins to volunteer outside of the school. Girl Scouts. The Junior League. She chairs committees, and attends trainings and generally tries to help others while gaining some experience.

Experience. Because eventually, as the kids get older, people start to ask "When are you going back to work?" Which is funny, really, because the Mom job is already plenty of work. Full-time work.

But the kids are in school, and people are expecting you to move away from your bon-bon eating, leisurely pedicure-getting lifestyle, and get a "real job."

Mom starts out part-time - as a school aide, and a substitute teacher. But the pay is awful, and it's not really worth taking the time away from the other Mom duties.

So Mom starts working more or less full-time, doing something exciting and interesting. But the rest of the Mom stuff starts to suffer. Less time with the kids. Less time volunteering. Things start to stack up. The dishes and laundry and school projects don't go anywhere - there's just less time to get it all done. So Mom spends her "free time" doing all the Mom stuff she did before. After dinner, late into the evening.

By the time Mom gets to bed, she's wiped out. There's little time for husband. There's little time for friends. Things start to slip.

Mom forgets to make that doctor's appointment she needs to make. Oh crap - was that birthday last week? How long has it been since the oil was changed? The little stuff stacks and stacks and stacks, until the whole things weighs on her shoulders.

The point here is - that the more you do, the thinner you're spread. Things suffer, if not in one area of your life, in another. Choices have to be made, and sacrifices too.

So you can have the family, and the job, and the friends, and the home. But the family gets tired of you being tired all the time. The job sometimes suffers, because you can't give it your undivided attention. You might go months without seeing your friends, and years without a weekend away with your spouse. The house is a mess pretty much all the time, and the to-do list just keeps growing.

It really sucks that we CAN'T really have it all. But is sucks even more that society expects us to anyway.

It's a Bird, It's a Plane, it's a TRAVEL AGENT!

Since my life wasn't crazy enough...Bart and I embarked on a journey to find the perfect franchise to buy. I had (have) been looking for a job that didn't interfere with the family too much for about a year. Everything I found either a) had crappy hours; b) was 30+ miles away; c) paid only a smidge above minimum wage; or d) all of the above. In the meantime, Bart was interested in buying a "bidness" that we could own, and maybe get some tax benefits from. After a brief look into a toy store franchise (VERY brief), I stumbled into the travel concept. I already love to travel, and I usually talk people into going with me. So why not do it for a living? Bart and I researched and reviewed and researched and attended webinars and conference calls and more webinars, and eventually decided to take the BIG LEAP into a Travel franchise. As of May 4th, 2012, we are the co-owners of Cruise Planners - American Express, with me at the Primary operator. Now this is exciting and terrifying for a lot of reasons. The main one is we had to put some money into it, with no real hopes of seeing any return for at least 6-12 months. The other is...well - that's mostly it. One big chunk-o-cash rolled out on the craps table, hoping I can make it work. I'm pretty sure I can do it. I have a long road in front of me, and I've already taken one brief dip with the sharks, but I came out of it at least knowing who and where the sharks are. There are 2 things I have learned already: 1) Travel Agents actually CAN get things cheaper. Really. And 2)The amount of travel stuff out there is flat out crazy overwhelming. So we're giving it a go. Wish us luck. Oh - and as a quick update - we decided to spend our daughter to Private School this Fall. If you need me, leave a message - I'll be giving Bart oxygen.

Up With School Vouchers

Although I follow politics a little, I never really understood all the hoopla about School Vouchers. I never got it....until today.

For the uninitiated, a "School Voucher" works like this. Basically, each public school gets X amount of tax dollars for every student who attends. (Let's just say $7,000 per student.) In theory, this is what "pays" for that student's education. That money comes from our (and your) tax dollars. In the event you decide you DON'T think the Public School System is doing a good job, or if your child needs more than what the Public School System can provide, you have the option to forgo Public School and pay to put your child in a private school instead. In the spirit of competition, School Vouchers allow parents to choose the educational environment that's best for their children, be it Public or Private. If you decided Public School wasn't cutting it, you could take your Public School Tax Dollars (the $7,000) that goes with your kids, and you could apply that money towards Private School Tuition.

That's the quick and dirty explanation. It allows parents more choice in where and how their child goes to school.

So let's say your county's Public School system is starting to max out it's potential for your Gifted child. He/She is making straight A's, but he/she isn't stimulated or interested in school at all. The State's curriculum doesn't allow for much out-of-the-box teaching, and the same-old-same-old is numbing the spirit of your intellectual child.

You start to look for other options. Most counties have "Magnet" Schools. These are schools that are Public Schools, but that have a curriculum that strays from the norm, and sometimes focuses on a specific area. For instance, one school may have a Fine Arts/Performing Arts focus. Another may be Technology based. There are also International Baccalaureate programs that focus on a more "world view" curriculum.

Most of these "Magnet" schools are in less-than-desirable parts of town. The idea is to pull better students and families into those areas (which almost never works, by the way.)

By chance, the district decides to install an IB Magnet program at a school near to you. You go to 2 open houses. You ask questions. You make your child ask questions. You apply. You get EXCITED when you see your going-through-the-motions child get EXCITED about the program. The teachers there TEACH differently. Their approach to the curriculum is DIFFERENT and CREATIVE.

Then you find out there are no requirements to get into the school. They don't check test scores or IQ levels. They don't require entrance essays or interviews. I don't think they even check behavior records. It is supposedly a "random lottery."

So you figure your child has an even chance of admission, right? WRONG. Because the thing they don't tell you is that they give preference to School District employees. Your County has the largest School District in the state. It has the most schools, the most students, and the most employees. So it seems a little unfair when you find out that every single spot was given to either a) a School District employee's child (not an employee at that school - just an employee with the district), or b) the sibling of a current student.

So that leaves you where? Your zoned School is a good school. The test scores are good. It's nearby. There's really nothing on paper that makes it bad.

Except that they teach the same way all the other Public Schools teach. So what if your child needs something different? Something more? Where do you go?

Private school, that's where. Private school that is expensive. We're comfortable financially, and it would still be a major adjustment for our family to take on Private School tuition.

It would be nice if I could say "Yo - Public School System. This school has the environment my child needs, but you don't have room. So I'm going to take my tax dollars over here so she can get what she needs."

Voila! You have Student Vouchers.

Unfortunately, the teacher's unions, and the politicians, and the administrators don't want vouchers, because allowing parents that freedom of choice would be paramount to admitting that the current system isn't working well.

Right now in our state, schools are over-crowded. teachers are over-worked and underpaid. Teachers are hog-tied by beuracracy, scores, and testing. Almost everything focuses around the Assessment tests: the curriculum, the amount of money a school gets, the amount of money a teacher is paid - everything. There's almost no arts, music, PE, or Social Studies anymore. It's all Reading, Writing, and Math.

If you were to see these "assessments", you would fall over. Could they really dumb stuff down anymore? The questions are ridiculously simple. They want to make the questions easier, so they can get the students to score better. TEACH THE TEST.

Well, my child is way past it. She needs more than what the regular curriculum can give her. She needs a smaller environment where she isn't lost in the 1500 students at a school that is 25% over capacity. She needs a creative, flexible curriculum - one that will allow her to soar.

And as a parent, it's my job to help her find that environment.

So I now support the School Vouchers program. It has nothing to do with whether my zones school is good or not. It has nothing to do with test scores or enrollment or demographics. It has to do with my specific child and what my specific child needs.

Wish us luck!

Putting Myself Out There

It seems that a local, neighborhood magazine has an opening for a columnist. At the suggestion of a friend, I applied. I had to send in writing samples, which I chose from this Blog. I picked some paragraphs from various Blog entries that I thought were funny and relevant. Then I also included a piece I wrote for Southern Living but was too chicken to send in.

Right off the bat, I broke a job application rule: don't give them more than they ask for. The editor wanted 350 words, and I sent more than that. But it was necessary! How can you tell anything about anyone in 350 words? I really wanted him to get a feel for me and who I am. Sometimes I write things that are - I think -funny. Sometimes I write about sad things, or frustrating things, or ridiculous things. I mostly do it just for me. It's a way to vent, and I enjoy going back and reading about where I was "way back when".

This is riskier, though. For one of the first times, I sent my writing samples to someone I don't really know. It's terrifying. (and Therese's fault - it was her idea.) It's really hard to put yourself out there for a "stranger" to evaluate. Your personal thoughts and feelings up for review.

But what if it works? What if I get the chance to express myself on a larger scale? What if what I write resonates with someone else? Or a bunch of someone elses? It's these thoughts that got me to send the email.

I don't know anything about the position. I don't even know if it pays anything. But I applied anyway.

Because it's worth the risk of rejection to me - that opportunity. That opportunity to reach someone; to relate to someone.

Oh - and to be FABULOUSLY FAMOUS AND ENVIED BY ALL!!!

(oops - did I just say that? Got carried away for a minute. While I was picturing the scene in Lord of the Rings: Fellowship where Frodo offers Galadrial the one ring, and she turns all weird and says "Instead you would have a Queen! Beautiful and terrible as the sun....all will love me and despair...")

The Edwards Family Goes To Washington

This past weekend, we were lucky to have the chance to take our kids to Washington DC for the very first time. We did a TON of stuff in just a few days: White House Tour; Captol Tour; Air & Space Museum; Natural History Museum; National Book Fair on The Mall; Several of the Monuments by moonlight; The National Archives. It was all pretty awesome.

There were a few moments that stood out for me, though.

When we were in the Museum of Natural History, we stopped in a Physical Anthropolgy exhibit. It had all sorts of skeletons on display, and featured a hands-on lab for the kids. Each station in the lab had a few skeletal items (mandibles, vertebrae, etc,) Then each one had a CSI-like tablet where there was a "mystery"...did this bone suffer trauma? What caused the strange growth? Was the injury pre or post mortem?

Karlin was happily and intensely working at a station, examining the parts and trying to solve the mystery. The Education staff member came over and welcomed her, and said "We encourage you to touch everything, but please be gentle, as these are real human bones." Karlin was still for a half-beat, then dropped those bones like they had been on fire. She was appalled that they were isung REAL HUMAN BONES. Only the promise of large amounts of hand sanitizer would convince her to re-engage.

We stopped at the relatively new WWII Memorial. If you haven't been, it's beautiful and moving and touching. There is a wall along the backside that has 1 gold star for every American killed in the war. In front of that wall, someone had left 2 perfect white roses. I found Karlin standing there, looking at the roses. She looked at me and said "Look - someone left these roses here." And I said "Yes - they probably left them for someone who died in the war." She looked back at the wall and said "But..that's so sad. All those people died and it's so sad. I just feel like I should leave something too, for all those people." She was actually teary-eyed, which got me crying too. I explained that yes - it WAS sad. And the point of the memorial was not only to honor and remember the people who fought and died, but also to serve as a reminder that the war had happened, and why. I was awed and moved by the fact that her 10 year old brain was so touched by that Monument.

On our last day, we were catching the Metro train for the final time. We had been using it for 3 days, and although it was the kid's first time on public transportation, they got the hang of it pretty quick. If you've never ridden it, you basically have to decide which color line you're on, and then you determine which direction based on where the final stop is. On that last day, we walked in and I said "we're on yellow again." Bart said "Which direction?" Chase, without missing a beat, slid his fare pass in, walked through the gate, and said "Yellow to Fort Tottum, Dad." After 3 days, the kid was a Metro Pro.

On our first day back, several of the neighborhood kids came over after school. I let them in the hallway, and they asked what we had seen. Before I could answer, Chase appeared at the top of the stairs and yelled "We saw the Declaration of Independance!" Well, we did - it was true. But it was NOT the first thing I thought the 7 year old would mention. I thought for sure he would bring up the 3-story rockets in the Space Museum, or the giant Mammoth in the Natural History Museum, or the giant Abe Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial. But no - he told them about the Declaration of Independance. We went through the Rotunda at the Archives, and saw the Constitution, and the Declaration of Independance, and the Bill of Rights. I KNOW Chase didn't fully grasp what we were looking at or why, but he was quiet and well behaved and respectful just the same. I tried to give him a quick-and-dirty rundown of what those papers meant, and of how old they were. It amazes me that he actually took something away from that experience.

Children are amazing creatures. It never ceases to amaze me the things they see, the way they respond to thing, and the things that stick with them.

And today - 3 days later - Karlin asked me what the difference is between the Republican Party and the Democratic Party. We may have to go back to Washington soon...

Communism and Castes

For some light dinner conversion last night, we had a discussion with our kids - primarily our 10 year old daughter - about Communism. Well...it didn't really start about Communism. It started out like this:

I had just finished a book called "Conquistadora" by Esmerelda Santiago. It is about a woman taking the lead in securing and running a sugar plantation in Puerto Rico in the 1840s. Anywho...I mentioned that Puerto Rico would be a great place to visit, since it's very historic and it's an American Territory. Then Bart and I were trying to figure out WHY it's an American Territory. It's most likely not economically profitable. What benefit do we get from it?

I think that we'd do a lot better if we ("we" meaning the United States) had Cuba instead. I pointed out all the tens of thousands of people in South Florida alone that would help out with THAT effort. When Bart pointed out "having Cuba" wouldn't be so easy, Karlin wanted to know why. Hence the discussion about Communism. Communism that led to us telling her that in China you are limited in the number of children you can have, and can be imprisoned for even carrying a picture of a specific religious leader in your wallet.

In all fairness to Communism, we did point out that lots of countries that are no longer Communist WISH they still were. Communism guaranteed them a job, food, electricity, etc. most of the time, where free enterprise doesn't.

Then we talked about some European countries that pay a super high tax rate, but have Socialized medicine and health care, education paid for through college, etc. We compared that to Communism, and then talked about the taxes we pay here in the States and what they provide for us. (We left out the scathing commentary of corrupt politicians and fat-cat government spending run amok.) We talked about our right to free speech, and our right to protest, and our right to "Arm Bears" (Bart's contribution, not mine. You see what I live with day in and day out...)

Then we told Karlin how very fortunate she was to be a female born in America. We told her about how - in many, many countries around the world - girls don't go to school. In some places, girls CAN'T go to school. In some places, girls are NOT ALLOWED to go to school.

We talked about how in some countries, arranged marriage is still in practice. (She was appalled about that one.) Then I brought up the Caste system, and how in some countries people are born at a particular level and they can never, ever change that.

We pointed out that America isn't perfect, but that it's a place where - if you work hard - you can get an education and the opportunity to change your lot in life.

I told both kids that I can say out loud that I don't like President Obama, and I don't think he's doing a good job, and that's NOT illegal. (In some countries you could be executed for that.) I told them that I can get a bunch of my friends together and stand on a street corner holding up signs that say we don't like President Obama and we don't think he's doing a good job, and that's OK too. We can write articles and blogs and make Facebook posts about our political/religious/social views, and that's OK. Our children - boys and girls - are guaranteed an opportunity to get an education, even if we have no money at all.

All of this was eye-opening to two little American kids who live a comfortable lifestyle.

It's good to go over this with them, though, especially since we have a trip to DC next month. You really tend to look at government differently when you read National Geographic articles about how children - particularly girls - are treated in many places around the world. It's good to remind ourselves too, especially in light of all the negativity of our Government lately, that we still have it pretty good here in the old US of A.