(I wrote this 9 months ago is the Fall of 2019, but feel like it's still relevant now. Maybe even more so.)
"Funny, I've always believed the World is what we make of it." - Ellie Arroway, Contact
This past year I've had a couple of Crises of Identity/Crises of Society that I've had to grapple with. I'm not sure what the best solutions are, or even if solutions exists, but I thought writing about them might help...
The first situation this year that really punched me in the gut had to do with something that seems on the surface to be fairly benign: High School Travel Lacrosse. Travel Lacrosse is an expensive, totally time-consuming activity that eats up 4-6 weeks of precious summer vacation time for any serious aspiring lacrosse player (and his family.) There are a lot of positives: exposure to new coaches and different coaching styles; competition against new and often more challenging club squads; exposure to possible college coaches; learning to adapt to a new system with new plays and new team mates. Our son has done travel two years in a row now, and I can honestly say it's helped him grow as a player, both skill-wise and maturity-wise.
However...this summer - our first at the true high school level - it became apparent that the world in general doesn't necessarily share the goals that we have for our son. We want him to play well, of course. But we also want him to play with class and dignity and sportsmanship. We have been fortunate that so far, his coaches and teammates mostly are cut from that same cloth.
This summer I saw things that made me so angry I could spit fire. For the purpose of this blog, I'll focus on one. There was a team that - knowing the reputation and play level of our U-16 boys - walked their OLDER boys over to the sidelines and played them. My nephews play competitive soccer, and I'm told in that sport they have player cards that are reviewed before every game. These cards have a photo of the player, along with their age and position. This is to prevent players from doing something called "playing down". "Playing down" is basically when you pull older kids from a more experienced team and have them play down to a lower level. Lacrosse does NOT have player cards, and it would appear that no one in summer travel actually checks the player's rosters at all at game time.
Our parents all watched as the game started, and then the opposing team suddenly had 9-10 new players walk up and appear on their bench. These boys were bigger and most likely older than our boys. They had more maturity in their physical appearance across the board, and they were NOT ON THE SIDELINES AT THE START OF THE GAME.
I was livid. In my mind, this is just flat-out cheating. It teaches our young men so many of the WRONG lessons that it makes my head spin. Lord knows I am not a perfect person, nor is anyone in my family. But we try in earnest to raise honest, responsible kids that play by the rules and do the best they can to improve their OWN level of play without sabotaging others.
I was quite vocal on the sidelines about my disapproval of this "practice." I had a dad - several dads, in fact - try to calm me down. They said things like "everyone does it" and "this is just the way it is" and "our teams have done it in the past too." Those phrases just made me MORE ANGRY. Here's why...
Just because "everyone does it" does NOT make it right. If it's "always been done this way" or "this is just the way it is" doesn't make it right either. If "we've done it in the past too", then that was WRONG. Just because it's always been that way, or everyone does it, or that's the way it is, or we've done it before does NOT MEAN IT HAS TO BE THAT WAY. It takes people to stand up and say "You know what? This is NOT doing our kids any favors. This is NOT teaching them to be better players and have good sportsmanship. This is NOT reinforcing our values as a family or as a team."
Things don't change - and never will - unless someone speaks up. But people are afraid to speak up. Husbands are embarrassed that you're speaking up. People roll their eyes and shrug and accept that status quo as normal. Don't feed me lines about how it has always been. Tell me how you will work with me to make it BETTER.
After summer lacrosse ended, we geared up for sending our daughter off the college. She decided she wanted to do Sorority Recruitment, and - since her father and I were both Greek in college - we supported that decision. I'm not sure what I expected, but I can tell you that how the process works at a large Southern SEC school is not acceptable.
Sorority recruitment is supposed to be a mutual matching process. However, thanks to some unscrupulous activities by some well-established organizations, there is now a "formula" in place that is supposed to make the process more fair. I can tell you without hesitation that this formula (known as the Release Figures Methodology, or RFM) is NOT working. Here's why...
RFM causes large numbers of girls to be cut by large numbers of sororities for no other reason than numbers. Parents and potential new members are told it's a "numbers game" and not to take the cuts personally.
This is where the first part of the process fails. It's not a numbers game, because the people impacted ARE NOT NUMBERS. They are beautiful, smart, talented, accomplished young women. They are not numbers on a page. Making them into mere numbers is not only insulting, it also - in my experience - goes directly against all the women's Greek organizations have stood for for. Having hundreds of girls crying and questioning their self-worth is absolutely unacceptable, and it's a clear indicator to me that something is really, fundamentally wrong with the recruitment process. There's no explanation to the girls about RFM, and no feedback at all from the sororities. The girls have no choice but to think "I did something wrong" or "why didn't they like me?" It's a fact that more people drop out of recruitment at this specific university than they report in their statistics.
I mentioned to one of my own sorority sisters that I'd like to plot out my thoughts about recruitment and open some sort of constructive dialog with the organization that oversees it. She said basically that I should be careful, because I wouldn't want it to "get around campus that K's mom doesn't like how recruitment works, And it will get around." I also have expressed my concerns to friends, and - again - I hear the old familiar refrains: "That's just the way it is." "That's the way it's always been done." "Everyone does it this way." I even got one "It's tradition in the South."
I would never in a million years want to sabotage my daughter in any way shape or form, but the recruitment process was horrendous on her. It was brutal, and it was that way for LOTS of girls. I feel very strongly that the process needs to be addressed and overhauled. It's only a matter of time before someone hurts or even kills herself over the personal rejection she's feeling from the recruitment process. How am I going to feel if that happens, and I was worried about it and never spoke up? What if me speaking up now can save someone's life? (And for those of you rolling your eyes wondering if Sorority Recruitment is even worth all the drama...whether it is or isn't is irrelevant. The situations exist, and the will continue to exist unless and until someone DOES SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT.)
My children have been profoundly impacted by situations this year that are considered "normal" . It makes me really angry that so many people are s willing to swallow the status quo. If rocking the boat saves one child's life, or saves one college sports scholarship, then it's worth rocking it.
WHEN DID WE ALL BECOME SO AFRAID TO SPEAK UP???
