"Funny, I've always believed the World is what we make of it."

(I wrote this 9 months ago is the Fall of 2019, but feel like it's still relevant now.  Maybe even more so.)

"Funny, I've always believed the World is what we make of it." - Ellie Arroway, Contact

This past year I've had a couple of Crises of Identity/Crises of Society that I've had to grapple with.  I'm not sure what the best solutions are, or even if solutions exists, but I thought writing about them might help...

The first situation this year that really punched me in the gut had to do with something that seems on the surface to be fairly benign: High School Travel Lacrosse.  Travel Lacrosse is an expensive, totally time-consuming activity that eats up 4-6 weeks of precious summer vacation time for any serious aspiring lacrosse player (and his family.) There are a lot of positives: exposure to new coaches and different coaching styles; competition against new and often more challenging club squads; exposure to possible college coaches; learning to adapt to a new system with new plays and new team mates.  Our son has done travel two years in a row now, and I can honestly say it's helped him grow as a player, both skill-wise and maturity-wise.

However...this summer - our first at the true high school level - it became apparent that the world in general doesn't necessarily share the goals that we have for our son. We want him to play well, of course.  But we also want him to play with class and dignity and sportsmanship.  We have been fortunate that so far, his coaches and teammates mostly are cut from that same cloth.

This summer I saw things that made me so angry I could spit fire.  For the purpose of this blog, I'll focus on one. There was a team that - knowing the reputation and play level of our U-16 boys - walked their OLDER boys over to the sidelines and played them.  My nephews play competitive soccer, and I'm told in that sport they have player cards that are reviewed before every game.  These cards have a photo of the player, along with their age and position.  This is to prevent players from doing something called "playing down".  "Playing down" is basically when you pull older kids from a more experienced team and have them play down to a lower level.  Lacrosse does NOT have player cards, and it would appear that no one in summer travel actually checks the player's rosters at all at game time.

Our parents all watched as the game started, and then the opposing team suddenly had 9-10 new players walk up and appear on their bench.  These boys were bigger and most likely older than our boys. They had more maturity in their physical appearance across the board, and they were NOT ON THE SIDELINES AT THE START OF THE GAME.

I was livid.  In my mind, this is just flat-out cheating.  It teaches our young men so many of the WRONG lessons that it makes my head spin.  Lord knows I am not a perfect person, nor is anyone in my family.  But we try in earnest to raise honest, responsible kids that play by the rules and do the best they can to improve their OWN level of play without sabotaging others.

I was quite vocal on the sidelines about my disapproval of this "practice."  I had a dad - several dads, in fact - try to calm me down.  They said things like "everyone does it" and "this is just the way it is" and "our teams have done it in the past too."  Those phrases just made me MORE ANGRY.  Here's why...

Just because "everyone does it" does NOT make it right.  If it's "always been done this way" or "this is just the way it is" doesn't make it right either.  If "we've done it in the past too", then that was WRONG.  Just because it's always been that way, or everyone does it, or that's the way it is, or we've done it before does NOT MEAN IT HAS TO BE THAT WAY.  It takes people to stand up and say "You know what?  This is NOT doing our kids any favors.  This is NOT teaching them to be better players and have good sportsmanship.  This is NOT reinforcing our values as a family or as a team."

Things don't change - and never will - unless someone speaks up. But people are afraid to speak up.  Husbands are embarrassed that you're speaking up. People roll their eyes and shrug and accept that status quo as normal.  Don't feed me lines about how it has always been.  Tell me how you will work with me to make it BETTER.

After summer lacrosse ended, we geared up for sending our daughter off the college.  She decided she wanted to do Sorority Recruitment, and - since her father and I were both Greek in college - we supported that decision.  I'm not sure what I expected, but I can tell you that how the process works at a large Southern SEC school is not acceptable.

Sorority recruitment is supposed to be a mutual matching process.  However, thanks to some unscrupulous activities by some well-established organizations, there is now a "formula" in place that is supposed to make the process more fair.  I can tell you without hesitation that this formula (known as the Release Figures Methodology, or RFM) is NOT working.  Here's why...

RFM causes large numbers of girls to be cut by large numbers of sororities for no other reason than numbers. Parents and potential new members are told it's a "numbers game" and not to take the cuts personally.

This is where the first part of the process fails.  It's not a numbers game, because the people impacted ARE NOT NUMBERS. They are beautiful, smart, talented, accomplished young women.   They are not numbers on a page. Making them into mere numbers is not only insulting, it also - in my experience - goes directly against all the women's Greek organizations have stood for for.  Having hundreds of girls crying and questioning their self-worth is absolutely unacceptable, and it's a clear indicator to me that something is really, fundamentally wrong with the recruitment process.  There's no explanation to the girls about RFM, and no feedback at all from the sororities.  The girls have no choice but to think "I did something wrong" or "why didn't they like me?"  It's a fact that more people drop out of recruitment at this specific university than they report in their statistics.

I mentioned to one of my own sorority sisters that I'd like to plot out my thoughts about recruitment and open some sort of constructive dialog with the organization that oversees it.  She said basically that I should be careful, because I wouldn't want it to "get around campus that K's mom doesn't like how recruitment works,  And it will get around."  I also have expressed my concerns to friends, and - again - I hear the old familiar refrains: "That's just the way it is."  "That's the way it's always been done." "Everyone does it this way."  I even got one "It's tradition in the South."

I would never in a million years want to sabotage my daughter in any way shape or form, but the recruitment process was horrendous on her. It was brutal, and it was that way for LOTS of girls.  I feel very strongly that the process needs to be addressed and overhauled.  It's only a matter of time before someone hurts or even kills herself over the personal rejection she's feeling from the recruitment process.  How am I going to feel if that happens, and I was worried about it and never spoke up?  What if me speaking up now can save someone's life?  (And for those of you rolling your eyes wondering if Sorority Recruitment is even worth all the drama...whether it is or isn't is irrelevant.  The situations exist, and the will continue to exist unless and until someone DOES SOMETHING TO CHANGE IT.)

My children have been profoundly impacted by situations this year that are considered "normal" .  It makes me really angry that so many people are s willing to swallow the status quo. If rocking the boat saves one child's life, or saves one college sports scholarship, then it's worth rocking it.

WHEN DID WE ALL BECOME SO AFRAID TO SPEAK UP???

Once Upon A Time, I Had a Business...

This story isn't a fairytale...this story is real. 

I own a travel business. Since 2012. It's not going well right now, thanks to COVID-19 and the related closures, cancellations, and restrictions. 

Lots of businesses are going under, and lots of those are travel-related. I honestly can't count the number of cruise line and tour company staff members that have been furloughed or laid off altogether. It's awful out there. 

Travel business/businesses going under isn't about "people may travel later" or "people can't travel right now" or "things will get better."

When it's YOUR BUSINESS and it starts to go under, it's mostly about this: you spent 8+ years of your life on this. You learned. You trained. You networked. You invested (time and money.) You built it from literally nothing into something. Something tangible. Something moderately profitable. Something you are proud of. 

To lose ALL OF THAT in the course of 5 months is - to put it plainly - devastating. Not only are you not making money, but the prospect of any sort of recovery is dim at best. What time you DO spend working now is to try to take care of people who are either cancelling or were cancelled, which in most cases you will not be paid for. Not paid for the work you did - not paid for the work you are still doing. 

It feels like building a house from scratch and then watching it burn down. It feels like failure, like losing a battle, like lost and wasted time and effort.

It's not just business - it's personal. It's personal to me, and it's personal to the tens of dozens of amazing, hard-working people I know in the industry.

"We Were On A Break!!!" - Ross Geller

Dear Facebook,
(And by association, the people posting on it...)

I've spent the last few days trying to figure out how to approach this.  I know this won't be easy, but...we need to talk.

We've been together for a long time now, and that's part of why this is so hard. In the beginning, spending time with you was so fun.  Hours filled with funny stories, screenshots of your "digital farm", Ice Bucket Challenge videos, pictures of your kids, silly quizzes, and stories about your vacations. I looked forward to spending time with you, and enjoyed it.

In recent months, though, you have changed.  Gone are the light-weighted funny memes and stories.  It's no longer as much "social" as it is "media."  My time with you is now filled with media/news that can't/won't be confirmed, ugly stories, insults, and cowardly attacks.  I used to look forward to seeing you, but now?  I dread it.  I find myself feeling hurt, angry, and depressed almost every time we are together, and it has to stop.  This relationship has gone toxic, and for my own well-being I need to make a change.

WE NEED TO TAKE A BREAK.  I don't think it's forever, but it's going to be for awhile. If you need to reach me, please use email or text, as I will most likely not see any messages you send me here. I'll still be hanging with my Friends Instagram and TikTok, and I may start updating my blog a little more frequently.

In the meantime, I am hopeful we can be back together soon, and that things will be better for us then.

Coronavirus Jenga

So it's 2:30 am on what is technically Easter Sunday.  As on many nights, I can't sleep.  In a futile effort to take my mind elsewhere, I peruse Facebook which turns out to be a mistake.  Let me explain...

This is Day #26 of Safer-At-Home/Social Distancing for us.  With the exception of a few trips to the store for supplies (80% made by Bart) and one Cannonball Run-type move-out blitz to Athens by Bart and Karlin, none of us have been anywhere.  We have walked the dog, walked, or gone for runs, but none of us have been anywhere.   This is the life in Coronavirus 2020.

Make no mistake - I am very grateful.  My little family unit is here.  We are safe and healthy.  We have food on the table and a roof over our heads.  We have internet and Netflix and a pool.  Our immediate family members are all safe, too...our siblings, our parents, aunts, cousins, nephews.  All  healthy and safe.

Every day I wake up feeling lucky and blessed.  And also GUILTY.  Guilty as hell.  Because I know that there are so many people out there NOT as fortunate as we are.  There are people who DON'T have roofs over their heads and food on the table.  There are people who DON'T have family members to check on them.  There are neighbors who have lost parents in the past few weeks who can't have funeral services.  There are people who have had to say their goodbyes on Facetime.  There are kids who have had to bypass milestone birthday celebrations, and adults who have had to bypass milestone birthdays.  There are High School and College Seniors that are missing those celebrations that mark the incredible accomplishments they have made.  There are student athletes who took the field before Spring Break not ever knowing that that game would be THE LAST ONE THEY WOULD EVER PLAY.  (Is that life-or-death?  Absolutely not. But to an athlete that has spent the past 5, 6, 7...10 years playing their sport, it feels huge.)  There are business owners hurting.  People who can't pay their employees.  Employees who can't pay their rent. Teachers trying desperately to provide adequate educational tools for their students in a totally uncharted environment, often while trying to teach their OWN kids at home too.  Doctors and nurses being called back into service to put their own lives at risk.  People having to wave at their parents through windows at nursing homes.  Honestly, the list goes on and on and on and on and on.

Then on Facebook, there's an article that someone posts.  Something about this being the "Great Pause" and about how we all need to readdress how we live our lives, and what we want for our kids, and how we treat our planet. 

And I just lost my shit.

Because that's just GREAT.  Let's add ONE MORE BRICK to the leaning tower of shitstorm that every single one of us is going through. I wake up most nights with nightmares, worrying about my kids.  My business is in a full stop, with no serious hope for recovery any time soon.  (The business I invested in and and busted my ass building for 9 years.  That business.) 

I DO care about the environment, and I DO care about my kids and my family and my life and the world as a whole and the people in it.  But some days I am literally struggling just to get through, AND I HAVE IT PRETTY GOOD.  The crushing weight of guilt and worry and stress is like quicksand every second of every day. Even if I have the time, I simply don't have the energy or emotional fortitude to do a full evaluation of what "means" the most to me and how I can "change" things for the better. 

It's 2:48 am now, and my 16 year old son is watching TV because...he can't sleep either.  I cut him a lot of slack because he processes the same way I do, and Lord only knows what he's feeling.  The stress and fear and worry and regret are probably staggering to him, so if he wants to watch something mindless on Netflix and eat cheetos until 3 am I'm going to let that slide. 

My days are more up-and-down than Space Mountain.  One day I'm playing disco music and dancing around the kitchen.  The next I am bawling because my potted plant died. It doesn't make sense, but then again NONE OF THIS MAKES SENSE. 

And don't even try to turn to "trusted news or political sources", because they just don't exist anymore. I truly believe everyone is in someone's pocket, and we only see what they want us to see.

I guess my point here is that we are not human Jenga games.  You can't keep stacking up pieces (bills due, e-learning, reevaluate your life) and pulling out pieces (no paycheck, sad/stressed kids, worried about parents) without that tower eventually falling.  I would love to have the luxury to be able to take a leisurely step back and totally re-vamp my world.  But Truth?  This "full stop" or "great pause" really isn't that at all.  Each of those designations bring their own issues, stresses, and problems, some of which aren't readily apparent to everyone, and some of which we may not even see the impact of for awhile.

Stress. Guilt. Worry. Fatigue. Sleeplessness. Depression. These are real things that many (most) of us are experiencing every single day.  Most of us can't save the world when we're just trying to get through the day.