Let's Talk A Little About GUILT

I don't know if other people struggle with this. It's likely that they do. The single-most defining factor in my life right now is GUILT. I didn't kill anyone, or rob a bank. I wasn't mean to anyone. I didn't lie, or screw anyone over. It's not that kind of guilt. My guilt is bigger and heavier than that. Denser. It's guilt for choosing to purchase a business that I am struggling at. Guilt for over-estimating my own talents, skills, and abilities. Guilt for costing my family so much money. Guilt for not being able to contribute to the family financially AT ALL. Then there's the second layer of that same guilt. Guilt for not spending time with my kids. Guilt for being so stressed and tired ALL OF THE TIME. Guilt for not being present - as a mom, as a wife, as a friend, as a volunteer. I bought this business for a lot of reasons. After being a full-time mom for 8 years, I wanted something for me. I wanted to establish an identity for myself. I wanted to make some money for my family. It made a lot of sense at the time - I LOVE to travel, and I'm good at it when lots of other people come along with us on our trips. I'm detail oriented and conscientious and unfailingly honest. I either overestimated myself, or underestimated those around me. It's difficult not to look around me and try to figure out why so many people that I considered friends and family aren't supporting me. That's a major oversight. I assumed people I already knew would be my base, my kick-start. I assumed that people I knew would give me a chance. Needless to say, that didn't really materialize to the extent I thought it would. I am forced to build it on my own, from the ground up. Except that building is hard. Painfully, excruciatingly difficult. It sucks away your time and your money and your energy. It sucks away your self confidence and self worth. It leaves you mentally and emotionally exhausted. So when you hit that point, what can you do? Walk away? Walk away TO WHAT? Guilt overshadows everything I do every single second of the day. GUILT. FAILURE. STUPID. VAIN. SELFISH. I have dug myself into a hole that affects more than just me. I should be ashamed for not considering the fallout for the people around me...the people that mean the most to me. Guilt.