Yet More Examples of Why Today's World Considers Me an Inferior Parent

This whole blog stems from 1 question:

Where do you store 300 empty cereal boxes?

OK, so you are probably thinking "What in the hell is she talking about? Why would anyone need or want to store that many cereal boxes, especially empty ones?" Let me explain...

For those of you who still have lives of your own (meaning kidless folks), there is this magazine called "Family Fun." Sounds innocent enough. Families! Having Fun! Woo Hoo! The name is a bit misleading. Although there are lots of good things in the magazine (family travel destinations and hints, organization ideas, etc...) it's mostly crafts and stuff. I want you to think Martha Stewart for mommies. Stuff that a) looks great on paper, b) seems easy enough to do, and c) will give your family some FUN!

Admittedly, I have pulled off some of the projects successfully. But a lot of it is 100% unrealistic in the real world. If I had a Nanny to watch my kids and was being paid a salary to come up with and complete these activities, maybe. Chase with paper mache? I don't think so. I'd probably be cutting it out of his hair, the dog's hair, and the cat's hair for weeks. Exactly where do you put 45 empty egg crates? Or 150 toilet paper roles?

Or 300 empty cereal boxes?

Project in question was sent in by a reader (I hate these chicks) who had the time and sanity to come up with this amazing project. You see, her daughter started saving cereal boxes for recycling. Noble enough. But then they thought maybe they could do something else with them. So they kept saving them and kept saving them and kept saving them. Until one day, they had enough to BUILD A CASTLE PLAYHOUSE OUT OF EMPTY CEREAL BOXES! And this was a big playhouse too - the kids was no toddler. She was probably 8 or 9, and it was plenty big enough for her.

I barely have room in my pantry for the 3 cereal boxes that we're eating from, let alone space for a bazillion empty boxes. And good grief - isn't that why God created Toys-R-Us? Or playgrounds? Making a playhouse out of an appliance box - sure! Been there and done that. But my family goes through about 4 boxes of cereal a month - let's round it up to 5 for easier math. At that rate, it would take us 60 month - or 5 years - to get 300 cereal boxes. If you borrowed from friends and could round up 25 boxes per month, it would only take you a year.

Seriously? Are you kidding?

So you see - these are the types of things that the mommie-world culture puts on us. It's not enough that you serve on the PTA and help as a parent reader and volunteer to put the class Science Fair project together and volunteer to decorate the class door for the rest of the year...now you gotta build CASTLE PLAYHOUSES OUT OF EMPTY CEREAL BOXES?!?

And in case you had a few boxes leftover, the website also has instructions for Cereal Box sandals, a Cereal Box tote bag, and a Cereal Box car carry-all!

I gotta go eat me some Raisin Bran...wish me luck!
(PS: Do NOT send me any empty cereal boxes!)

"I Love the Cookies"

OK - like 95% of America, I am starting the year dieting. Again. Have you ever seen the kid's movie "Over the Hedge"? Worth watching, even if you don't have kids. What's not to like? Bruce Willis as the raccoon, William Shatner is HILARIOUS as an Opossum, Steve Carrel as Hammie the squirrel. There's naked turtle butt, references to finding your nuts, and a few other jokes that I manage to work into my everyday conversation at least twice a week. But I digress...

There's this part where R.J. (Bruce Willis) is trying to get Hammie (Steve Carrel) to go steal some cookies from a house. He puts one as bait, but it's a crappy cookie that is just supposed to get Hammie to the roof, so he can get to the house and let the other animals in. He stops at the crappy cookie, and R.J. (Bruce Willis) says "No Hammie - forget the cookie!" And Hammie (Steve Carrel) says in a lovely, pathetic, whiny voice: "But I love the cookie."

That just about sums it up for me. "I love the cookie."

Seriously - go rent it or download it. FUNNY.

Also, I am - for the 3rd time - attempting the Westchase TriGals "Iron Distance Challenge." 31 days to run 26.2 miles, swim 2.4 miles, and bike 112 miles. I did it last year, but finished on the very last day. This year, I am aiming to beat that by, oh, at least 1 day. My girl DKR is doing it with me (you go girl!), assuming our poor old battered bodies survive the month.

So yesterday I went out for a bike ride. We have a great recreational trail near my house - The Upper Tampa Bay Trail. It's paved, has water stops and bathrooms, overpasses and/or safe crosswalks across the few busy roads it intersects. Nice for walking, jogging, bike riding, or rollerblading. So I was there yesterday, aiming to do 12 miles. The first 5 were great. It was a gorgeous day here in Tampa, and I felt good. "Woo Hoo! I'm getting back in shape faster than I though! This rocks!" I thought. Then - at mile 5 - I made a critical mistake. I TURNED AROUND. Turns out the first half of my ride was with the wind at my back. The second half was straight into the winds from hell. OW. I only finished 10 miles, because by the time I got back my arms and legs were shaking so badly that I almost couldn't get off the damned bike. Hard lesson to learn.

While on the Trail, though, I saw some interesting things:

* The chick strolling along, reading a book. That's right - a full-on paperback book.
* The chick riding her bike while text messaging on her Blackberry. She's got talent, I'll give her that.
* The sign for some gym advertising "Fitness at the Next Level!" I can't even seem to find the first level, let alone think about the "next" one.
* Then there was the dickhead. All along the trail, there are arrows showing you that you need to stay to the right. (This is America, after all.) These arrows are at your feet, are not subtle, and are located about every 500 yards. Can't miss it, right? Except that dickhead was turning onto my part of the trail, and he was running on HIS LEFT. I was riding on MY RIGHT, and - since I had the right of way - fully expected him to scoot his rude ass over and yield. Guess what? He didn't. He kept right on, I have to swerve to not crash into him, and then he muttered at me like I was in the wrong. I would have said something to him, but that would have required getting off the bike. I still had 3 miles to get back to my car - way too far to crawl.

This was all amusing to me because I can hardly carry out a conversation or a logical thought while I am exercising, let alone read a book or text message. And I guess some people are so damned stupid that they can't even understand ARROWS for Pete's sake!

Did I mention that Nick Nolte plays the homicidal bear in "Over the Hedge?" And Avril Lavigne is in it. Ans a few other people whose voices you will recognize.

Sorry I went back to the movie. Can't help it - I love the cookie. ;)

A New Year, A New List

If you've been reading this blog for the past year, then you remember the "Bucket List" post last January. (If not, you can look it up in the archives - I can't figure out how to post a link...) Last year I followed my friend's advice and made a whopper resolutions list that Bart calls my "Bucket List." The object is to put a whole lotta stuff on there, and then you've upped your odds of actually knocking some of the things off the list.

So how did I do? Just OK. I had 40 things on my list last year, ranging from "Go canoeing" to "Get a tattoo" to "Read at least 1 non-kid book a month." Of the 40, I scratched 9 things off the list. Those were:

* Catch up with old friends (Thank you, Facebook!)
* Get involved in charitable endeavors (JDRF Walk in March)
* Go to at least 1 Gator Game (vs. Citadel in November)
* Go see a sunset at the beach (Treasure Island, June)
* Label all video tapes (these are the little video tapes that go in the camcorder, and I finished them!)
* Take an airboat ride (Cherry Pocket in December)
* See fireworks (THREE times at Disney in July)
* Park 2 cars in the garage (after a good cleaning early in the year, we've managed this most of the time...)
* Read at least 1 non-kid book a month. Done and then some.
I had 2 more that are "iffy":
* Go Camping (I technically did this at Girl Scout Camp Training in Sept, although it wasn't what I originally intended when I wrote the list. Does it still count?)
* See a shuttle launch (again, technically I did. We saw a night launch from a big field at a school event. However, I originally meant to see one from Cape Canaveral. Does it count?)

So I hover somewhere just above the 20% mark - not too too bad I guess. So on to Bucket List 2009! I will probably move most of the 2008 list over. Is it fair to put something on there that you know you are already going to do? Probably not. Leave it to me to try to cheat on a New Year's resolutions list.

So Happy New Year everyone! Get started on your own bucket list - but wait for a day when the weather is really crappy. No need to waste a beautiful day (like today - 80 and sunny in Tampa) making lists (or blog posts...)

Hmmmmmmm....

Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, you should sell your house, quit your jobs, buy a boat and go bum around the Caribbean for awhile?

Far away from everything?

Having roasted coconuts with just you, your soul mate, and your offspring?

And some Corona?

Ya mon.

Tasteful VS Tacky

So my husband and I are engaged in a bit of a debate right now. It has to do with Christmas Lights.

You see - I grew up in a tiny-iny little house with not much going for it. But at Christmas time, me, my Dad, and my sister could dress that little sucker up! From the old C9s on the house, to the multi-colored chasers along the front fence, to the giant "tree" made out of multiple strands of lights. The more, the better. And way back when, you couldn't run out to Target and pick up a sign of lights. We had to draw out "Ho Ho Ho" on a piece of plywood, have dad drill holes, and then place lights through each of the holes from the back of the board. It rocked!

Bart's house growing up was a lot nicer than mine. His family usually had the C9s along the roof line, and maybe a strand or 2 of white lights in the bushes. Pretty.

So is there middle ground? The first time I saw that video a few years back of that crazy house with the lights timed to music, I said "I want to do that!" All of those houses you see in the in newspapers where they decorate out their whole yards and have a little walking path so people can go through it all "Oooo and Ahhh"...I want that to me MY house. I am a firm believer that once a year, you should just go crazy with it. Kids love it. Some grown-ups love it.

Bart wants tasteful. He would like to see a simple white and green and red scheme, a little in the bushes. Man did he marry the wrong girl.

I want tacky. Make that TACKY! Currently, here's what I have out:

* 5 strands of white lights edging the front shrub beds
* 2 strands of white and 1 strand each of green and red in the small tree to the left of the driveway
* 1 strand of multi-colored in the large bush to the left of the driveway
* 1 white star hanging from the roof over the garage
* 1 double strand (300 lights) of white lights in the palm tree out front
* 1 double strand (300 lights) of multi-colored lights in the ligustrum bush out front
* 3 strands of multi-colored lights in the front shrubs
* 1 6 foot tall inflatable Christmas Tree on the lawn (it lights up too!)
* 4 double strands (300 lights each) of multi-colored lights draped along the outside of the privacy fence.
* 1 strand of blue lights wrapped around the big palm in the backyard
* 7 strands of white lights in the shrub beds in the back yard
* 2 strands of blue lights edging the shrub beds in the back yard
* 2 multi-colored lit wreaths in each of the 3 front upstairs windows
* White strands of lights edging all 3 of the windows on the back of the house

We also have a tree on the lanai (with blue & white lights), the lanai is edged in white lights (but we keep those up year-round), a dolphin that I can't figure out where to plug in, and an animated white angel that I also can't find a place for.

Of course, it all goes to hell when a) bulbs begin to burn out; b) the wind knocks shit down,; or c) (as was the case last night) the rain shorts out half of my outlets. My only holdup at this point is that I am literally out of places to plus stuff in.

So who are you? Tasteful? Or TACKY!

GO TACKY GO! GO TACKY GO! Once you go Tacky you never go backy!

Sometimes Surprises Come from Outa Nowhere

You know...after you know someone for 20 years, you think you've got it all covered. You've heard all his stories 50 times, and he's heard yours 100 times. You know exactly what he's going to order at Outback. You know his friends, and are friends with them too. You've travelled all over together. You've dated, broken up, dated, broken up, gotten engaged, and gotten married. You've been together through births. And deaths. You've owned pets and kids. And cars and houses. Solid, established ground, right?

But them WHAM! Out of nowhere your husband of 10 years does something completely wacko, and totally out of character.

This has happened once before, a long time back. There was this Halloween Costume Contest at a Hockey Game. The grand prize was an Air Hockey table. Sweet, eh? So - somehow - I convinced him to dress up like Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter. I dressed up like Terri Irwin. And we went on the ice in front of 5,000 people. Not only did he dress up, but he acted it all out: we brought this huge blow up gator, and some brown cloth and some rope. When they called us, we threw the gator out onto the ice and jumped on it. Then we put the fabric over it's head and tied it up, all the while "wrestling" with it. It was a stellar performance, and we SOOOO should have won. Instead, some Star Trek Nerd dressed like a Klingon won. As my friend Lisa said "He pulled up to pick up the table in his custom-painted Star Trek Van. He probably dresses up like that EVERY weekend!"

The point here is that Bart would never do something like that. Me - absolutely. Him? Not so much. But he did it, and it surprised the hell out of me.

Fast forward 8 1/2 years or so. Mt dear friend "Tia" turned 40 last weekend. Bart and I were invited out to a huge party at a cool place called Cherry Pocket. It's a restaurant/bar/fishing camp/campground place. Very old Florida - very fun. Anyway, we were at this event for my friend, and the party was attended by mostly my friends. (Meaning mostly my girls, with a couple of husbands mixed in...) After the beer, and the air boat ride, and the Elvis show, and the SEC Championship game, and the appetizers (onion rings, fried grouper, fried catfish, fried gator, crab cakes, some sort of seared tuna, and peel and eat shrimps), more beer, then dinner (gumbo, raw oysters, garlic steamed oysters, the seafood boat, and the fried platter), we moved into the karaoke bar for karaoke and more drinking.

The beers turned to rum and cokes. The rum and cokes turned into shots. The karaoke got louder, and the bar started to empty out a bit. Now Tia LOVES karaoke, and she made everyone promise to sing. So after many many drinks, we all did. Mostly in groups. But then - here comes Bart. Next thing I know, he's up front, with a barrage of girls dancing behind him, singing Big & Rich's "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy." Not only does Bart HATE karaoke, but he's also not a big fan of Country music. But there he was. And as Tia's hubby Rod said "He didn't just sing it - he owned it!" He literally rocked out the bar! I about fell out! It's 3 days later and I STILL can't believe it! AND THEN...he got back up there with Tia and sang a duet version of The Dixie Chicks "Goodbye Earl." (He said - "It's Tia's birthday. If she wants me to sing, then I'll sing." Unbelievable.

Just when you think you know someone, they pull a whopper on you like that. Needless to say, my party-ass was so proud of my normally reserved hubby. Who'd have thunk it? Not me, and I know him better than anyone.

Oh - and if you ever get the chance to wear a tiara and carry a scepter - even if you have to steal it from the birthday girl - you should definitely do it. Very empowering...

Macy's Parade and the Car Ride from Hell

What is UP with the Macy's Parade now? I remember when I was a kid, we LOVED to watch it. It had all the fun balloons and the bands and all that. Now? The TV coverage is all about the "hosts." I have nothing against Meredith Viera and Matt Lauer, but I don't really tune in to see them being goofy and spewing out 100% uselss commentary. Get back to the balloons, damnit! And then there's the "guests", like the Macy's Parade is a talk show. CLAY AIKEN? Are you kidding me? Didn't his 15 minutes of fame run out, oh, I don't know - 5 years ago? And when did Darius Rucker go Country? Where are the Blowfish? Then there were the Marching Businessmen - a group of guys dressed in suits and ties, formed to advertise some menswear shop that has been closed for 9 years. All they did was steal from "Stripes" - boom chacalacalaca, boom chacalacalaca... It was all very disappointing.

Then there was the ride home yesterday. God bless my wonderful children - they were practically saints. The ride from Pensacola to Tampa is usually 7 1/2 hours - 8 if you stop and go in someplace to sit down for a meal. Yesterday, it took us 11 1/2 hours. That's pretty much the whole day in the car. And it was pouring the whole way, meaning the kids couldn't even get out and run at the rest areas. Every McDonalds seemed to have outdoor play areas, not indoor ones. We left Pensacola at just after 8:00 am CST, and arrived in Tampa just before 9:00 pm EST. It was miserable. The kids were real troopers, though. Their brains may have turned to oatmeal due to all of the movies they watched, but what can ya do?

Note to self: when you go back and read this entry next year, DO NOT DRIVE HOME ON THE SUNDAY AFTER THANKSGIVING.

Let the Christmas chaos begin!